Caution

Not that I want to admit this publicly but things seem to be going better at the moment. I'm happier and calmer than I have been for a long time. I am pregnant and that seems to be going well. I'm enjoying work more than I have done in a long time, I look forward to most of my lessons instead of dreading yet another hour with grade x. I've just been given a tax refund from about 7 years ago so I'm not worried about money for our holiday in the UK this year. I'm working longer hours than I have ever worked before but I can see where it is going and there is a reason for killing myself with private lessons everyday.

I feel more relaxed. I feel that after what seemed like an unendurable run of bad luck and things going wrong we might just possibly be seeing the beginning of our luck changing.

I feel good right now

summer holidays

Am now looking forward to our summer trip to the uk a bit less than I was before. We are yet to book tickets but will be doing that later on this week but it would appear that for the vast majority of our trip we will either be with my sister in law and her family (when at my mother in laws) or my sister and her family (whilst at my parents). The upshot of this is I am likely to be spending most of my summer stopping my boys fighting with their all female cousins whilst simultaneously feeling like I am failing as a mother to properly control my boys as they will not sit quietly and do all the girly things that will be abounding all summer.
Through no fault of their own my sister and sister in law end up making me feel that I am doing a rubbish job of bringing up my kids because it always seems to be my boys who start any trouble. I don't think I am doing such a bad job but boys are different to girls and can't be fitted in to the same plan as girls.

So yes, I'm not looking forward to feeling as if I'm doing everything wrong this summer and lets not forget that I should also have a month old baby to look after. M~ay be I'm wrong and we'll all have a great time but right now, I'm not so excited by it.

Police

So, nearly every Thursday my husband volunteers with the local police. I think this is great, I love it that he can be so committed and motivated to do something to help others, that like any other project he gets involved in he gives it his all but I have one HUGE problem with it.
I worry all night until he gets home. I worry that something will happen to him whilst he is on duty but that is nothing compared to how much he scares me by doing the shifts he does. He likes to go out all night with the traffic police, which is a valuable thing to do. Among the things he does he catches drunk drivers which I fully support. The shift he likes to do can end anywhere between 3 and 6 in the morning at which point he drives home and collapses in to bed.

The bit that scares me is the drive home. He claims that he is quite capable of driving and there is nothing wrong with he reflexes and anyway, the roads are pretty empty at that time of day. I don't believe him. About the roads being quite empty I do believe but that he is safe to drive there is no way I can believe that. By the time he comes home he has been up and active for about 24 hours. No one has perfect reflexes when they have been up that long and even if his reflexes are at just slightly below what they should be what about the other guy on the road, the one who Aa needs to swerve out the way so that he won't hit an oncoming truck? And your reflexes and response time only need to be slightly off to have a huge and potentially tragic accident.

So this is my weekly dilemma; on the one hand I think it's great that he chooses to go out and do his bit for society instead of just sitting around talking about it - yes, I'm proud of him. On the other hand,  I go through this weekly worry that something will happen to him, that I might lose him because of this dedication he has, because he won't turn round at2 or 3 in the morning and say "I have to go now, I've been awake too long to function effectively" (or words to that effect).

I will just wait and hope that this week everything will be ok.

frustration

Went back to the doctor today for another scan and he wants me to have ANOTHER scan next week to try and determine the date of the pregnancy. I'm really hoping nothing is wrong and we just have the dates out but it is getting frustrating going back every week.
My previous 2 pregnancies were fine (once I actually got pregnant) with none of this faffing at the beginning. My other concern is having this baby with enough time for us to get over to the UK this summer for the stone setting. I know I shouldn't be concerned about this but there is no way I would want my husband to miss it and having not been around for the funeral or the shiva I also want to be there because I need some sort of closure on the events of the summer. I need to somehow find the time that I never got this year to acknowledge my loss.

I know, we have alot to get through before then and I am so grateful that I am pregnant my real first concern is for a healthy and successful pregnancy but life is not lived in isolation and these things are all part of my thoughts.

B'shah tova this baby will be born and we will fit everything else in around it. This isn't up to me I just have to see how things evolve over time - it's back to that patience thing again!!!

back to the doctors

Went yesterday and had a scan and it was confirmed that I am pregnant (woho). embryo is a little on the small side and in addition to folic acid I'm taking some other hormone to help support the pregnancy. This would be ok but it is not taken orally but rather up the other end. The administration is ok put it feel horrible as the casing breaks down. Oh well, only another 2 and a bit months if this and anything is better than dealing with more months of infertility.

Oh, also managed (in line with other pregnancy tests) to almost fail this scan. First time round he couldn't see anything because my bladder was to full. Second attempt was fine.

just remembered

Didn't keep it a secret for 12 weeks either time. Told both sets of parents at about 6 weeks for the first one and accidentally told a friend at about 10 weeks with the second.

Quite excited about going to the doctor on Sunday. At the end of the last visit he said to me to come back when I was pregnant, wasn't expecting it to be so soon,  in fact was probably just pregnant last time I saw him. Whilst on the subject of doctors I would just like to say how happy I am we live in Israel. Were I to need IVF or IUI I am entitled to a huge number of virtually free cycles, paying only a token amount for the drugs. The other reason is a comment the doctor made at one of my visits; "Have you been to Kever Rachel?" The idea of a doctor recommending that you go to a certain place to daven to get help with something stuck some sort of cord inside. I'm not a big davener (at least not in the formal sense) but it hit home somehow. Maybe it was his acknowledgment that there was only so much he could do or just a reminder to me not to give up on anything that might help.

So for these things and many many more, I'm glad I live here.

week 1

I found out a week ago that I was pregnant. It feels like for ever and I get to keep it a secret for another 10 weeks or so.
Remind me how I did this the last couple of times?!?!?!!?!

a topic we have left for a while

It hit me again today the enormity of my father in law passing away. I was doing something in the kitchen and out of nowhere it just hit me that we will never get to speak to him again or see him or share things with him. The strangest thing was how it just came out of nowhere today. In the past there has usually been some sort of trigger that reminds me (however indirectly) of him but that didn't happen today. I don't know if it's partly because my oldest has been talking about it a lot recently, asking questions especially about "the special prayer that daddy says to remember grandpa" or if was just one of those things that make up the process of grief.

It sounds strange to say that I miss him but that seems to be the closest I can get to putting in to words how I feel. I feel a space that should be filled, a presence and na influence that is no longer there.

it happens

Finally got confirmation from a HPT that I am pregnant!!!!!!!!! I need to go to the doctor to get final confirmation and I'm doing that next week. But right now I just want to tell everyone and announce it to the world. Yes, I'm happy.

looking forward to a hopefully uneventful and easy pregnancy :)

Gilad Shalit

5 years  4 months ago I was coming towards the end of my first pregnancy. Just over a month before  I gave birth an Israeli soldier was kidnapped in Gaza. A week or so later the second Lebanon was started and then as the summer went on it no-one was sure if we were doing the right thing or not. On the 1st of August time and the world stopped for me when I gave birth. I held my son in my arms and nothing else mattered.

The world out side was not totally gone from the labour room. One of the first thoughts that crossed my mind was that in 18 years time this tiny little thing is going to be inducted in to the army. My baby. My soldier.

In the 5 years that have passed, every time Gilad Shalit has been mentioned in the news my personal marker for how long he has been in captivity is "How old is my son? and then and a month or so". Whilst neither my son nor Gilad Shalit know about each other, in my mind they have been inextricably linked. It all happened in "that" summer.

Things change and move on. My sons birthdays will no longer remind me how long Gilad Shalit has been in captivity. My sons Bar Mitzva will not be just past the 13 year anniversary of Gilad being captured. Gilad Shalit came home today.

But it cost us to bring him home. 1027 terrorists have been freed. People who have killed Israelis, are proud of having killed Israelis and have said they will do it again. I don't know if it was the right thing to do. We have negotiated with terrorists, we have given in to demands, we have shown what we will do to get back just one person, we have given them every incentive to kidnap someone else.

But we bought him home. We have reunited a family and freed a man.

When I first heard of the Gilad deal I was very unsure about it. It sounded like a lot to give up for one person and it just seemed wrong that we should be making such huge concessions. On the other hand as I said to someone at the time, If it was one of my sons I'd say empty every prison in the country to bring him home.

It was a very tough call to make and for the families of those who were killed in the events perpetrated by those who were freed today it must be an unbelievably hard day. I'm glad I didn't have to make the decision and I think that going through with the deal was the right thing to do. I have my doubts, questions and discomfort about parts of it but I'm glad it was done.

It makes me a little more comfortable knowing that if anything happens to my sons that I have a country that will do all it can to help them.

Arghhhhhhhhhh

My period is a week late, I have done a pregnancy test that gave me a very very faint positive result. I don't know if I'm pregnant or not. Well, if I thought infertility was bad this is taking things to a whole new level. How do I manage to neither pass nor fail a pregnancy test?!?
I have to wait, in a couple of days I will try again and see what that holds for me, but until then - ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

worry

I worry about him. I get concerned that anything might trigger something.  I wish I didn't have to worry but with a lack of any other information forthcoming from him I worry. I hope he's coping, I hope he's found a way of dealing with whatever he is going through but until I know that he has I will worry. Until he feels he can trust me and let me in to his private world all I can do is be concerned about him and remember that  I have to give him time.

I worry because I love him and I want to look after him, I want to protect him, I want to be there when he needs me (if he ever will).

Romance

I figured out what it is that  I feel is missing - it's the romance, the excitement, the fun stuff.

I remember when we were going out the relationship was different as it should be and I don't always want to live in that sort of world, I need the stability of what we have but  I feel now that I am just part of the furniture that Aa is used to me being here and he doesn't feel the need to make any special effort to do anything. He recently bought me some really nice underwear and  I loved it. It felt like for the first time in ages he was actually doing something fun for us, maybe it's because of that, that I want more now. The other side of this is I feel that he doesn't need me for much beyond the practical day to day stuff. of running our lives and some sex. He seems to be getting more emotionally closed, more withdrawn. Less emotionally invested in a relationship.

That's just how I feel, I could be misreading him but a lot has happened recently and it is affecting how I respond to things but there is still the feeling that something is missing, a spark that is no longer there and  I don't know how to get it back.

Something missing

This is going to sound strange but I feel something is missing in my relationship with Aa. I love him and I know that he loves me, there is a good physical relationship but I still feel that something is missing. I want to look after him and keep him safe and all that other pathetic slushy stuff.  I think I feel that he doesn't need me for anything emotional. He will continue to function as an isolated unit too scared to expose his feelings and cutting short any development of a relationship.
This sounds crazy, we have been together for over 12 years and married for 9 but most of the time  I don't know what he's feeling. He shuts me out and sometimes it hurts, sometimes it's no big deal and I'm fine with it but there are times when I worry about him and wonder how I can be married to someone so secretive.
I just want him once in a while to let me in, to trust me with what he won't show anyone else, to let us deal with things together, to remember that he is not alone.

But despite all that I still love him and can't imagine my life without him.

My problem

I don't know what if anything Aa wants from me with regard to his dad. I don't know what to do or if I'm doing the right thing. And yes I'm still dealing with the guilt of not being there during the shiva. I feel I deserted him and left him when I should have been there.
I think part of me is still trying to find a way to make up for that.

3 days

Had a good chag/shabbat. We ate, slept, davened and did all the things we are meant to do. The kids had fun and we got a bit of time to relax.

I got thrown at lunch today. We were eating at a friend who is pregnant and when I saw her in shul today I suddenly wasn't sure that I could deal with a whole lunch of seeing her being pregnant. I did and it was fine and we had a really nice lunch but I was surprised that it threw me. This month has been such a screwed up month that I am not expecting to get pregnant but I think it has to be this month or possibly next or we (or at least Aa) won't be able to go back to the UK for his fathers stone setting next summer - just an added worry because I didn't have enough to worry about.

I'm currently basing my hopes of getting pregnant on an IUI procedure that will be the next step in this journey. I feel bad about writing off this month and yes I do still want to try but things have just not been working for so long that I have very little faith in this working now.

On the topic of little faith I managed to bring up the idea of a night away with husband whilst we were eating at some friends. As expected he utterly ridiculed the idea and dismissed it out of hand. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to convince him that I want this. It just doesn't seem to be relevant to him and I don't know how to explain the value of it to me. He says that he gets home and the kids are in bed or nearly in bed and then they are asleep until the morning so we have all evening alone. He doesn't get that it'snot the being alone but also a change a scenery. It was like our original plan for this summer, day trips but also going away somewhere (hence the camping). If we just did day trips and came back home every day then I don't get a break. We would still be coming back to the same house with the same housework, shopping, cooking etc to do.
I would like that change of scenery, the knowledge that no kid is going to wake up in the middle of the night and come in. That someone else would organise breakfast and clear it up. Just a change from everyday life.

I keep dreaming and maybe I'll get it one day.

On a completely different note, a number of people were asking me how Aa is doing especially with it being rosh hashanna. I said I wasn't sure and when I mentioned this to him this evening his comment was, "well what do you think?" implying everything was fine. On the on hand, I'm really happy if it is and he really is absolutely fine but part of me says he shouldn't be fine and there should be something else going on. I guess if there is I'll never get to know about it.
I still feel at times that he is miles away. Maybe I'm wrong and just making all this up but I wish I understood him more.

Lets hope we have a good year

New year

feel like crap, still have cooking to do and just want to sleep and sleep.

Apart from that, to my reader(s) happy new year and lets hope that the new year is better than the one just ending and all our dreams come true.

Thanks for reading.

percentages

I was talking to a friend on shabbat about how the process works after you lose a parent. She described it in percentages. She said you are never 100% after it happens. During the Shiva you are functioning at a low percentage which slowly increases during the shloshim. She said for a long time you can function on 50 -60%, to the outside things look fine but there are no where near normal. The level at which you function may go up and down with time but according to no fixed pattern, good times and bad times. 

What stuck with me was the comment about never being 100% again. It reminds me of the comment I made to another friend when Aa was sitting Shiva, "of course he won't be the same, his father has just died". It's the same concept worded differently. It doesn't matter if it's the shiva, the shloshim, the year or any point after that - this will be with us for ever and my husband is never going to be the same again.

an unrealised dream

Title sounds a lot more impressive and dramatic than the post is going to be. Was eating dinner with husband and asked him if we were going to go out for dinner for his birthday. He said it depends on what is happening with my mums birthday dinner and who is paying for that, we can't pay for 2 meals out in a week.
I understand the financial logic of that, but still want to go out with just him. The thought of going away for a night is clearly going to have to remain a far off distant dream.

Right now I'd settle for dinner out for two, somewhere quiet and private.

back to square one

After a long and unexpected break we are back to the topic of my completely and utterly  screwed up body. Because my life has not been crappy enough for the last few weeks my body has decided that it needs to screw up my period and any chance of be actually having something good. I may be bleeding. I don't want to got to the toilet to see if there is any stain on my underwear. Every little twinge I feel in my body I wonder if it is a period starting again only a few short days after my last (also very strange) period finished.

I phoned up Aa and couldn't not cry. I felt like I just couldn't keep going . It was the uncertainty, was it this or that what can I do, what can I not do when should I do it and what the hell am I meant to do about the drugs? I spoke to Aa when he got home and he told me to stop obsessing. He doesn't get it that I can't. That I am surrounded by babies and pregnant women. That every twinge or thing that happens to by body  that is not normal results in wondering am I pregnant, am I going to get my period, have I got my period, what did that mean, how do I feel and a hundred other questions depending on the time of the month.

It's like I'm failing a test every month. My body seems to be set up for failure, just to screw with my mind month after month after bloody month. I'm fed up of "there's always next month" and "we'll try again". I want it to work. I drag myself through it all and I just want it to be easy, I want to be like everyone else who seems to get pregnant whenever they want.

Why don't I work????????

I'm fed up of it being secret. When I phoned up Aa to tell him that I had spoken to someone to ask a question and told him about the infertility, Aa's first response was "why did you tell him that?" It just seemed so confrontational and as if I was spreading this deep dark secret. I told him because it could have a bearing on the answer. Maybe part of me also wants people to know. I don't want to declare it on facebook or tell everyone I meet but maybe our friends should know. It's an illness with as many social symptoms as physical. We don't hide other illnesses so why does this stay hidden . I understand that sex and family planning is between a couple but things can be shared in a way that still keeps the private stuff private but lets people help you.

I wish it was as easy as just deciding not to obsess about it but I ma biologically, hormonally and emotionally designed to reproduce. It's a matter of body awareness and maybe I am hyper aware but that's what months of counting days and looking and counting and taking drugs and more drugs and teats and more drugs does to you.

I wish I could be less emotionally invested in this but it seems wired in to me. I wish I could be detached and calm about it like Aa seems to be but I can't.

I hate my body. I hate it for failing me every month. I want to be normal.

A memory

I opened the door and was surprised to see B here so late at night. He was out on the balcony and I turned to Aa to ask what he was doing here. I saw my husbands red eyes as he said, "my father has passed away". I dropped my bags were I was standing walked over and held him. His body shaking with tears, his arms clinging to me, my eyes welling up as I tried to comprehend what I had just been told.
Within a few short minutes he was leaving the house to go to his sisters. B had told me to pack a suitcase and make sure there were non-leather shoes in it. Then they were gone.

I went upstairs to try and begin packing. I called my parents who were both speechless, I called a close friend in London, his reaction was much the same. I called a friend here and told him, I explained that I needed to go over to ramot and could he babysit. He was over about 10mins later. During that time I also spoke to Aa, he told me not to come over, I ignored him.

I got to Ramot, saw his sister and gave her a hug, her tears were flowing freely. There was an atmosphere of disbelief but it could all be put aside by dealing with the practical sides of organizing flights and logistics. There were quite conversations with B out in the garden. Words of comfort and some practical advice. going upstairs with his Mum and taking the whiskey and the wedding presents she had that needed distributing. Eventually it was all sorted.

We came back home. We sat downstairs for a while, I made food for the flight (something has gone wrong so we must feed them - glad I had that to fall back on). Aa's bag got repacked in to something smaller. We went upstairs to "sleep" for a couple of hours. We all lay on beds wide awake until the designated get up time. Aa and his mum got dressed and when we saw B arriving downstairs to take them to the airport I said my good byes, hugged his mum and watched them leave.

I went back to bed knowing that I had to sleep because the boys would be up in a couple of hours. They woke up, I told them what had happened and sent them to a friend for the day. I went to Jerusalem to buy a book to tell me what I needed to know on a piratical level. and some stuff for our camping holiday. I was barely functioning but had to keep busy. I tried to sleep in the afternoon but couldn't. I picked up the boys and went to another friend. I got through the day.

The picture of those first few minutes will never leave me. The raw emotion, none of us knowing what to do next.

The shopping from the night before lay were I had dropped it when I came in for a few days.

2 things

This was meant o be called something along the lines of "thinking outside the box" but then I thought of something else I had to say and the name sounded wrong.
So the first thing. Grief does not fit in a box. There is no set way for it to unfold and no two people will deal with it in the same way. There is no right or wrong and there is no easy formula or easy solutions. There is no time frame for it to finish.

I now have to deal with this, recognise that it is beyond my control and accept that what happens will happen. I stand by all that I have said earlier about wanting my husband to speak, cry, ..... but I now have to really make it a reality that I am waiting and moving on. I've written those words enough times but I have to change my thinking and make them a reality.

I said move on - I didn't say forget.

And now the second thing. I really really want to go away with my husband for a night without the kids (when I am not niddah). I know he will never go for it if I suggest it but I desperately feel the need to spend a significant amount of time with him and just him. We've both had a draining month or so and  I just feel that I need to do this. As I said it's not the sort of thing he goes for so I'm not sure how to even begin to mention it but I would really appreciate it if it could happen.

talking

I was talking to a friend yesterday and occurred to me afterwards that what scared me was watching Aa break down, were it to happen.

With everything we have gone through in the last 9 years of marriage it is typically me who will break down, cry, get upset and show him what I feel even if I can't say it. The thought of the tables being turned and me seeing him do all the things I usually do seems so foreign. Part of me wants to see him cry, wants him to break down and wants him to tell me what he's feeling, to open up to me. To share his pain, to know what is hard, to try and understand him. The other part of me wants none of that. It wants the Aa I have always known to be strong and calm and rational, Yet I know that is unreasonable, you can't go through an experience like he has without it affecting you on so many levels.

I know that despite his ability to hid almost every emotion he has he is capable of a great depth of emotion, there I times when I have seen it and times were I have just glimpsed it before he hid it away. I suspect he is processing everything inside him but I hope when it's done or even before it's all done he'll let some of it out. I truly believe that it is not a good thing to keep everything bottled up inside but there is only one person who can make the choice to talk and it's not me.

afterwards

Well the siyum was very appropriate. Aa spoke and we all got through it. Yes there were things that were hard for him to say and hard for me to hear but he spoke clearly and with dignity. His dad would have been proud. I was proud of him. I don't know if it would have been easier if I would have seen it before because I think it was the delivery as much as the words.
I said to him on the way home last night that I had to read the speech afterwards because despite having heard all the words that he said there was a point at which I wasn't following the the content. I also told him some of how I'm feeling and what it's been like for me. I don't know how much of that he knew before but at least I told him something. I hope he understood that I wasn't trying to dump my pain on him but that it was simply the depth of my lose and the impact his father had on my life. Grieving is a very lonely process, I hope he knows he's not alone.
I was talking to his sister last night about how close I was to buying a ticket to go over for the shiva. The unspoken comment behind it was that if I had it was as much for my sake as my husbands. The counter to that is that before he left he told me he wanted me here with the kids. I'm never going to know if I did the right thing.

It's a good thing that life and halacha pushes us along because I have seen recently how it would be easy to get stuck in a rut and not deal with the world.We've passed the shloshim and things will now move on to the next level. The next 11 months of things to face together.

tonight

I've been distracted all day thinking about the siyum. Well not so much the siyum but my husband. He's speaking tonight about his father. I have no idea what he is going to say and this worries me. I do not doubt that he will speak well and appropriately but I think I'm a bit apprehensive. I don't know how he will cope speaking out loud  about his father in a public forum and I don't know how I will respond. What I do know is that I need to give him the support he needs and that means I may have to put aside how I feel and whet I need. I wanted to see the text not to have any real input in to what he says  but so that I know what to expect, so that I am not thrown by something he says, so that I can internalise what is going to be said, deal with it before hand so that if he needs me tonight I won't have to deal with anything new to me.

I'm not sure what will be harder to deal with. my husband breaking down in tears or my husband speaking sitting down and carrying on as normal. I'm sure it will be one of those options tonight and nothing in between. He's not that sort of person.

I will now just have to deal with what I have. I don't like the unpredictability of what is going on. I'm not good at dealing with unplanned things. I like to know what will happen. I like to be prepared. I will probably spend the next few hours thinking up all sorts of things that may happen tonight and probably none of them will but such is my mind. I don't know what will happen so I have to plan and imagine for everything. Sometimes I wish I had less of an imagination.

he's here, at least in person

He's sitting next to be but we could be in different countries. He trying to write something to say about his father at the siyum. Earlier when I asked him about it he referred to it as an obituary, I hadn't thought of it like that. It sounds so final. It is so final.
He sitting there spending more time not writing than writing. He's thinking, checking, struggling. We haven't spoken about what he is feeling since he came back. I don't know if he spoke to anyone whilst he was in Scotland. I suspect his is the first time he is having to put in to words some of what he is feeling. It is the first time he is going to stand up in public and talk about his father. It's another sign that this is real.

The last couple of weeks we have established our new routine, things are falling in to place and we are carrying on. Whilst he was away I lost track of time to some extent and in some ways that is still going on. I sometimes forget that it has only been a month, that despite what I see the pain must still be very real and very raw.
People ask me how he's doing and I always say "ok". It's the easy answer but I don't really know what it means. I don't know what ok is any more but I don't know what else to say. I hated it when people told me that he was ok when he was sitting shiva because it didn't tell me anything but it seems to be one of the more common phrases I am using now, not that I like it anymore now I'm saying it.

I want to reach out to him but I don't know the right words to say, I don't want to interrupt him, break the train of thought. I want to hold him but I can't. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing and if not what should I do. I want to help, sitting here watching him and trying to imagine what he is going through is so hard.

I want to reach him but I will wait, we'll do this on his terms.

need to write

I have a half formed post about families relationships and how lucky I have been with my in laws and their family. Will write it soon

perspective

Still trying to see hoe our lives are being affected this year by my father in laws death and the trouble I'm having seems to be one of perspective.

On the one hand there are significant accommodations that need to be made and changes to our daily routine and what we will do over the course of the next year in all sorts of situations. This is big.
On the other hand it seems almost tangental to my life. I watch Aa (my husband) as he is adapting and finding out what he can't do and it seems to be running in parallel to my life. Our lives that should be closely bound seem to have separated to some extent. He is going through this alone and there is only so much I can do for him, only so much I can feel.

Since he came back from the shiva he has been caring and attentive and I'm seeing parts of him that I only rarely saw before. I like it. There is a visible level of affection that used to be kept private. Long may this continue. So in some was we have been closer since he came back but I am still trying to cross this gulf and I'm not sure I can. I think I have to wait for him to come back to me.
As the year goes on the restrictions ease but I'm sure that over the course of the year there will be many issues to deal with, many reminders of what is missing.

It's just strange that something can have such an impact on your life and at the same time seem to have hardly any. I was going to say that it impacts on our lives but not my life but that isn't accurate. I'm not sure what is right but it's strange.

Now my next challenge is when to raise the idea of Aa going to the doctor to have his health checked without it being me nagging him and then to be followed by the diet and exercise that we both need.

new reality

I remember when my two grandfathers passed away within 6 months of each other being very concerned that my Grandma must live so that when I got married and had kids they would at least have one great-grandparent from my side ( I was 10 at the time).
My grandmother is still going strong and my kids know who she is and have a relationship with her.

When my sons were born  I thouhgt about what life would hold for them. I thought about a brit, going to gan, school, a bar mitzva, army, university, marriage and children. I imagined watching them growing up and always being surrounded by a warm loving family.

I never imagined there would be only one grandfather at the bar mitzva. I never imagined that it would be a grandparent missing. I had never planned for that space at the table. I never thought it would happen so soon.

It's remembering who he was. His sense of fun, his devotion, his compassion, his commitment and trying to adjust to a world without these. Accepting that there are (hopefully) many many celebrations to come that he won't be there to share with us.

Accepting the new reality.

details

He's talking here and there about the practical details of what will happen this year. He asked about this, he found out about that. Practical technical stuff.

I'm not surprised that these are the conversations and comments that he's coming out with. He is fundamentally a practical person. I tried to raise the more emotional side but he didn't want  to talk about it.  I have no problem with that, as long as he knows I'm here when he does want to talk, if he wants to talk.

Just as an aside I looked at some photos of my father in law that my sister in laws husband sent me. I asked my husband if he wanted to see them and get one printed out, he said he didn't want to look at them now. I looked at them and found it very difficult. I found it hard to comprehend that he is no longer with us, it's going to take some time for it to become a reality in my life.

 I think I understand why my husband didn't want to look at them yet.

up and down

Had a good first proper day at school today. Seem to have nice classes and they all seem keen to work and learn - hope this carries on. Hope I can sustain their interest and live up to the expectations everyone has for me. Everyone is saying that I will do a great job and this is just right for me. I appreciate the support but at times it feels like there is this huge amount of pressure to be perfect. I don't know how much is coming from me and how much is coming form others. I really hope it all works out.
So that was the up and now for the down.
Had an argument with husband this morning about how to deal with our oldest son who keeps annoying his brother at meal times. I've been dealing with this now for about 3 weeks and told him this morning that if he carried on then he will not be allowed to eat with little brother. My husband said I was overreacting and should try other things. I then got cross with my husband because I have been trying other things for a few week sand they don't seem to work. I apologised to husband and we went off to work and all was ok.

But here I am going over the exchange in my mind and replaying it and dwelling on it. I'm tired. Yes, I've just had 2 months with no school, a long summer holiday but I don't feel as if I have had a break. I haven't had the time to relax and recharge my batteries. I feel that I have spent my summer alone, which mostly I have. I can't raise this with my husband. It's not his fault and it's not what any of us wanted.
Maybe things will get easier now we are back in a routine and things have calmed down. I would love some time with my family. I would like to deal with what I went through this summer. I would like some closure. I would like to stop feeling guilty for not being there fro my husband even if he wanted me here with the kids.

Time helps things. I need to give us all time. I also need to remember that I had a really good day at work today. Maybe this year will be a good year.

Before I forget

With everything that has happened in the last two weeks there is one amazing thing that I want to remember. I have been totally overwhelmed by the support of our friends ranging from offers to look after the kids if I had gone to Scotland or even just to take them for a few hours to offers to go to the airport to collect my husband at 6am (leaving home about 5am) and just the support and friendship that I have experienced. Someone saying to me the day before my husband returned that I was looking so much better than earlier in the week, passing comments, offers of shabbat meals and expressions of sympathy from the most unexpected places.
Words can not express the gratitude I have for this nor convey my true thanks. It's times like this that you discover what a true friend is and what a community is and I'm grateful to have them.

On a slightly different note I am almost as overwhelmed by the implications of a year of mourning for our lives. The things we can and can't do the things he can and can't do. Dealing with it as reality and decisions that have to be made it seems huge. It should be but at times I feel lost and swamped by it all. I suspect it's because I have to follow what he wants and I have no say in the choices. I've never been good at giving up my freedom to choose or my independence. This is what I need to learn now.

the next day

I'm not sure what normal is. I'm not sure what I should be doing or saying. Should I be avoiding the whole subject of death and shiva and my father in law or should I be bringing it up whenever possible? We went through a huge amount and it really was a life changing event but we went through it separately, we have no shared experience here. We lived separate lives for 2 weeks and I don't know how to reach what he went through or even if he wants to share it. Should I talk about what I did or how I felt whilst he was away or do I wait for him to bring it up.
I think I have to wait, I have to let it come when he wants. I have to be patient.
Part of this is the current expression of my guilt of not being there for the shiva. I still in part feel that I let him down or that I failed somehow. When he was away I could only imagine what was going on, now he's back I see that he is "ok" but I still have this question about what is going on inside him.
Maybe this is part of my just being a girl and believing that everyone has a churning mix of emotions flying around inside them all the time and rally there is nothing to discuss.
I said to a friend that when he got back I was sure my husband would have dealt with and locked away his emotions. Our friend questioned this. Maybe he was right or maybe I was.

I need to be patient and I need to work out what I can do and that will take time. It is as someone put it "uncharted territory" and we will have to figure out our own path through it.

At least next time when we have to go through this we will have some sort of pathway through it.

....and breathe

He came home this morning. I now know how tense I have been for the last 2 weeks because today I relaxed. I took the kids out in the morning so he could sleep and it was calm and relaxed, we came home and they played and argued but I could deal with the fighting.
He sat here unpacking his suitcase with our oldest and I could hardly stop looking at him and smiling. Until now I never thought of him as my other half; he was my husband. This past couple of weeks I have realised how much we are a part of each other. I've felt like something is missing and now that he is back there is a completeness that I never noticed until I didn't have it.
I'm so glad to have him back.

well that didn't go as planned

Just had a crappy conversation with husband. We talked about our oldest doing a judo chug this year. Our son has been talking nonstop about this since the catalogue arrived a few days ago adn we were all set to sign him up and now my husband is starting to ask questions about if this is the right thing for him and should we be doing it this way and does he know what judo is. He left it as I don't want to talk about this over the phone.
We then moved on to our youngest who went to the doctor today for her to look at his ears. She recommended putting in gromits and said she can probably do it in the next month to month and a half. I was fine with this until I was relaying a conversation I had with my sister about it earlier where she basically had a go at me for going with this option and not having a second opinion or looking at other things. When I told my husband he also had a go at me for not looking at other options and said maybe we should do other things but he wasn't going to talk about it over the phone. My whole family has been telling me for ages to sort his ears out and when I finally do all I get is everyone telling me that I should have done something else and I'm not doing the best I can for my son.

Either I am making decisions or I'm not. For the last 2 weeks I've had to find it in me to carry on despite everything and yes I'm making choices. I understand my husband wants to be involved and should be but if a choice has to be made then I will make it. Does our son know what judo is?: I don't know but I know he's excited about it. Is there an option other than grommits? I don't know - I'm not a doctor.

Do I need the support of my husband and his confidence in me? of course I do. And yes I know that he is just looking out for what is best for our kids and he is beginning to re-engage in the rest of his life but tonight just crushed me. Maybe it's my hormones ( back on the injections again - estimated chance of success this month 0%, don't even know if we will be having any sex) or maybe it's me beginning to see that soon I will have my husband back and needing to let off some of the tension that's been building up for the last couple of weeks.

I think I'm coping and things are going as well as they can and then something happens and I'm back writing my blog with tears streaming down my face (something that seems to have become quite common recently).
I don't know what I need but I'd like it now please.

listening

I don't expect him to talk. I don't expect him to relive what he's been going through for the past 2 weeks. I don't expect to hear about how he felt and what the shiva was like.
I want him to talk.
I don't know when and how it will come out
I don't expect it.

But I hope he knows I'm there to listen when he needs it.
I hope he knows that I'm trying not to push him.
I hope he knows how much I love him.
I hope he knows that I'm always here and that I want to help.

He gets to choose.
I get to wait.

no news.....

As they say, no news is good news. I've got nothing rally to say today. Had a normal day doing bits and pieces and going over to a friend ( allegedly for the kids to play but really for me to talk to the adults) and went to the park. Kids were mostly ok today and they are now in bed sleeping ( I think / hope).
Yes I still desperately miss my husband, I'm still worried about him and am counting the days until he gets back but today was good, normal. It feels like the first normal day I've had in ages. I still can't quite believe what I've been through in the last 10 days or so, it feels like a lifetime but today felt normal. For that fact alone I am happy (also not a word I've used much in the last 10 days).
Things have calmed down. That's not to say it won't flare up again and again but for now I feel I can face what is coming.

it's getting better

Had a good day today with the boys, my sister and her kids. We all had fun and eventually the kids went to bed. I feel my conversations with my husband are a bit more normal than they have been. Of course I'm still worried about him but as I hear his voice more and talk a bit I am slightly reassured.

But despite this it is only now beginning to dawn on me the enormity of what has happened. It is only now that I am very slightly less concerned about my husband that I can begin to think about my father in law and what some of the implications of his death are for all his family.

Psychologists talk about the 5 stages of grieving. I'm not sure what I've been going through for the past 10 days or so but I seem to be coming to some sort of calmer acceptance, a state in which I can think about what has happened and begin to process it. The death came as such a shock to all of us and whilst he immediate family had, as they should have, the time they needed to assimilate the events I had 2 boys to look after and entertain. It's taken a long time but I defiantly feel better than I did.

I remember once having a discussion with my brother in law about extending the circle of people who can sit shiva following a death. I said at the time that  I was against extending it, friends should not be included nor extended family. I was in favour of leaving things as they are.
I still am.
I did not want to sit shiva for my father in law. I feel it would be insulting to those who were sitting to claim my that my lose was anywhere near theirs. Throughout the past 10 days I have felt that my role should have been one of support. At one step remove from the situation my role should have been to help and yes, also to take some time for my own feelings.
The mourning process is going to impact on our lives for the next year at least. Our lives may not be as we want them and we will all have to make changes. It should be so, life is different now.
In a conversation I had with a friend last week I was discussing what impact his would have on my husband. the friend said "I hope when he gets back he'll be the same person" To which my instant response was, "Of course he won't. His father has just died". It wasn't a planned response or something I had thought about before but in  that moment of clarity it suddenly seemed to hit us what was going on. We suddenly had to deal with a new reality.

We've got a tough year ahead of us but it will get better. ( who knows.....I might even manage to get pregnant!!! - if that's not hoping for too much)

oops

yes, last post was a bit of a disaster. Yes I was feeling that bad but I am feeling better and life is generally looking up. I need to get more sleep and I need to start actually eating real food not just snacking on this and that (made a pot of soup last night so that should help). I need to calm down and trust that my husband really is "ok" and that he will be back soon.

I will get through this and things get better

I can't do it

I'm losing it with the kids, I'm not getting enough sleep, I don't have enough patience for the boys, I don't kn ow how much longer I can keep all this in.

Ok, I know that I will basically be fine until whenever it is he gets back but right know it just seems so hard.

I was going to write about a decision  I made so here it is.
Before he went back to the UK, I said to him that they shouldn't all return together to try and make it a bit easier for his mum. It was absolutely the right thing to say and do and  I am glad I said it then because I don't know if I would have the strength to say it now. I know none of this can be about me but I also know that I want him on the next plane back to Israel. I have spoken to people who have been there and seen him, everyone says he is ok for what he has gone through but however many times I hear it I can't fully believe it. He has a lifetime practice of hiding his emotions and whilst  I don't know if he has the strength to do that now it wouldn't surprise me if to some extent he was. I don't know that he will ever open up to me about how he has felt this week and what he has gone through but I know it won't happen over the phone and I'd like to think it will happen one day.

Who knows, maybe one day I'll even tell him what I've been going through this week.

it's been a week

It's been the longest hardest week of my life.
If you had told me last week that I would spend a week at home with my boys whilst my husband was abroad sitting shiva for his father I would never have believed you. If anyone had said I would go on holiday with my boys whilst he was sitting shiva I would have thought you were out of your mind. If anyone had told me about the number of tears I would shed in a week, the distances I would drive with my eyes filling with tears, the guilt, the pain, the longing to be with my husband I would never have believed that I could have all of that going on inside and still somehow function and hopefully give our sons a good summer, but it  seems that I have got through this week.

I feel that this week I have failed in most things. I haven't been the mother my kids needed all the time and  I haven't been able to be there for my husband. There was no right choice for this week and I will have to live with  the choices I made.

The strongest emotional feeling I have left at the moment is defiantly the feeling of not being there for my husband, I almost feel I'm being ripped apart inside. The depth of this is something I've never felt before. Not knowing what he is really feeling and not being able to just sit with him. He's never the best at long phone conversations and this week was obviously never going to be a good one for talking on the phone, it's to easy to disguise what you really want on the phone - was that the quivery voice of crying caught before it came out or just a crackle on the line? I know I've tried hiding it plenty of times and I'm not sure how well I've done it. I know that the few times I have let it out on the phone to him I've felt bad that I'm giving him my pain when he has enough of his own. I told him tonight that I just want to hug him. I desperately want to hold him and let him know that I'm there and will be. But I'm terrified that when I get to see him, whenever that is that I'm just going to collapse and that's the last thing I feel I can do or should do to him now.

Yes I am grieving for my father in law but the tears I am shedding are for my husband and for his shattered world.

?

Just saw my husband on skype (kids spoke to him, I as expected didn't get much in). I should feel better, I saw him, he looks ok, he sounds ok but I'm left with this deep sinking feeling of missing him more than ever.

Glad the boys saw their dad and had fun being silly with him. Counting the days until I get to be with him.

holidays I don't want

I'm trying to pack and I'm rubbish at it. Doesn't help that I don't really want to take my boys camping tomorrow without their dad. I have a plan and I'm sure we will have fun but my heart is not in it. The things we do for our kids.......

dilemas and lonliness

Just finished shabbat, had good meals with great company but I have never felt more alone over a shabbat. As Kiddush was made last night I was thinking of my husband - was he making kiddush in his parents house? In shul this morning I thought of him going to shul alone. At every mealtime I was thinking of what he was going through and just not knowing is so hard.

I'm lonely. I am surrounded by people but I'm lonely. I have never missed him this much before in my life. I feel that at least for a short time I have lost him. It's not like when he is away on business, it's that I feel I can't reach him most of the time. Before he went away I told him to stay beyond his sisters staying so that his mum would have company for a bit longer. I can't ask him to come back before he is ready but I desperately need to see him. The few short hours I saw him after we knew but before he left seem like a lifetime ago. I need to see him. I need to hold him. I need to know that he is coping. I'm scared that he is going to bottle everything up and that it will just build up inside him forever. I need to know if he is letting himself grieve. I need to see that he is ok.
One thing I have discovered is quite how much I love him. It come sometimes just be a phrase when we say "I love you" to someone but this week I have realised how much I truly love him, how much I need his help and support, how much I get from him with out ever realising it, how much he gives me, the strength I get from always knowing that he will be there for be. It's just a shame that we take these things for granted do often and don't always appreciate what we have. Loving someone means being there for everything, I love him with all my soul but I'm still not sure that I've done the best thing for him this week but I have to believe that I have.

That all sounds very self centered,  He's just lost his father and who am I to tell him what to do and when to do it. I know that for the next year at least that I have to follow his cues as to what he wants, needs and can do (in both an emotional and religious sense) but somewhere I also need to grieve. I also need the closure.Our boys need to see their dad. I need him like I have never needed him before but I know I can't ask him for anything. I'm counting the days to an unknown return date and it just seems to reach out in to an eternal future.

I need him back and I know my needs right now come a definite second to his and his mum's but I still have those needs even if I'm having to keep them inside.

The Mountain

I wake up in the morning and for about 3 seconds everything is normal, then I remember that nothing is normal. It's like each day I have a mountain to climb and I don't know how to even begin it. A day to fill with amusing 2 boys, keeping the house in some sort of order, just the every day things and I don't know how to manage it.
but then however many hours later the day has been filled and I have somehow climbed the mountain and tomorrow maybe the mountain will be smaller or I'll have more energy or the path will be clearer.

It get easier and it gets better it's just that patience has never been one of my strong points

and then..........

just to cap my crapy crappy week.....got my period tonight.

If you want the positive, if  I was with my husband now I wouldn't even be able to hug him or hold his hand and I  will hopefully go to the mikve the night he flies home and be ready for him when he arrives

was really hoping this month it would happen.

and so the world goes on.....

I'm still crying at random points during the day. My voice still shakes when I talk to people about it. The feeling of loss is unlike anything  I have felt before. I feel alone and isolated. I need someone to comfort me but I also know that time moves on.
When I posted on facebook there was a flood of replies all expressing sympathy and support for which I will be eternally grateful. I'm getting phonecalls with offers of help; what can we do? do you need us to take the boys?  do you need anything? how are you? The support is amazing. Our friends are amazing.

but time moves on....
People have their own lives to lead. Part of me can't quite understand how the rest of the world is carrying on, don't they realise someone ?!? How can they just carry on as if things are the same? It's strange but the only other times I have felt this was when my kids were born. How could the world carry on as normal, I've had a baby! There is a new person here, the world has changed but you are all carrying on as normal. Whats wrong with you??? When my first kid was born the country was in the middle of a war but for the 3 days I was in hospital I forgot about it. When I came home  I was almost shocked to hear that it was still going on.

All of which gets me back to where I sort of started. My world is missing something huge right now, how much of it is my father-in-law and how much is my husband I will never know. I'm having trouble understanding how the world is moving on when I'm having great difficulty seeing what is going to happen. I'm still taking the kids out and giving them a summer but my heart is not in it. Next week I'm taking them camping - I have never wanted to go away less in my whole life. The thought of finding the emotional energy to do it is a daunting task. The empty seat in the car next to me is a constant reminder (not that I was going to forget) of where I want to be and who I want to be with right now.

But tomorrow will be easier than today just as today was easier than yesterday and from somewhere the strength will come because even though we don't understand how or why time moves on and takes us with it. We don't want to deal with the problems life gives us. We want to stay safe even if that means staying safe in the most terrible circumstances because as humans we have amazing abilities. To be alive means to move with time, to deal with our constantly changing world, to be there for other people in good times and bad. Worlds change everyday and it is our ongoing battle to deal with that, we grow we change, we develop.
We live.

I just don't have the words

Last night I found out that my father in law passed away. It was sudden and unexpected, he had a heart attack in bed and when no-one had heard from him for a few days or managed to get in touch with him some friends went over and broke in where they found his body in bed.
I don't have the words to say how I feel. I don't know if this is still shock or just that I can't equate the thought of celebrating his 60th birthday a few weeks ago with the fact that he has just been buried.
That he's never going to be there to give me a hug when we meet, that his fun and enthusiasm will no longer be a part of our lives, with his passion and commitment to the things and people that he loved, that he would always go the extra mile to help someone in need and not even think about it. That those who were lucky enough to know him and love him got so much back from the relationship with him.

I'm sitting here at home desperately torn about what to do. I need to be with him for him and for me. The thought of him having to go through this alone is tearing me apart. I got a text from my mum awhile ago saying they were on their way to the funeral. It should of been me in the car with him, not my parents. I should be there with him not stuck here away from him, not even able to sit with him. How am I meant to know what to do? am I going to regret not going ? should I just be on the next plane or should I be here with the kids?

Just spoke to a good friend of ours in London, allowed myself to cry when I asked him if I had made the right choice and as he said, there is no right choice.I feel helpless here but don't know if I would feel any more useful there. I'm worried that he will bottle everything up and feel he has to hold it all together for the rest of the family. I'm just worried about him. I can't even begin to imagine the hell he is going through at he moment, saying kaddish for the first time, putting the soil on to his fathers coffin, knowing that he will never be able to just pick up the phone and speak to him again. The huge hole that now exists in all our lives.

May his memory be a blessing to us all.

priorities

So I have a friend who is unsurprisingly pregnant. When she told me I did the happy public thing but obviously not what was going on inside. Spent the last couple of weeks going through various stages of hatred, frustration and ultimately resentment and part of me was a bit scared of how  I was going to react to her ever growing bump (read as how good can  I be about really keeping my feelings hidden and not saying  or doing anything that I know  I would regret later).

So I had a revelation this week whilst out shopping fro my nieces birthday present.  I was in toys r us and whilst my kids were studying the playmobile ("no we're not getting that, we are only getting the birthday present." "So mummy can we get this one because it's smaller") I wondered over and found myself looking at the baby stuff with all it's normal emotional turmoil things suddenly seemed to come in to perspective. I felt I was having these feeling because I was so used to them and wasn't sure if I was actually feeling them or just thinking them. Then came the revelation -  I can't keep hating / resenting this friend for being pregnant because my life is worth more than that and quite honestly I don't have the energy that it takes to keep  it going for too long. It's not her fault my body isn't working as it should and  I know that she has had her issues getting pregnant and  I am happy for her.

It comes back remembering the good things and also knowing that you have no idea what anyone else is going through or what they have had to deal with or what they know they may have to deal with in the future..... and  I will try to remember this when things are going badly. Promise I will.

oh what a crappy day

So this period has been soooo screwed up. It started on time but was hardly there and wasn't doing anything as it usually does after the first few hours. I spent ages looking up implantation bleeding and what that would look like even though I have known since before  I went to the mikva last month that I would not get pregnant this month. I ovulated just before going according to my cervical mucus. After 2 days of unsure period I did a HPT, if  I looked really hard I think I could see a very very pale line, not enough to assume I was pregnant but enough for a glimmer of hope and the decision to retest on Friday. I went out and bought an HPT in preparation and two hours later my period comes on full force. At least I know that the hormone drugs I was taking did no harm to any unborn child.  

Oh yeah, and the period came with full on cramps.

So things were not going well. When I arrived home with husband we had some strange argument about a mis-understanding over the phone when it came to me describing the cupboard I had bought to go under the bathroom sink. I think maybe we were both just not in such good moods.

But being in a bad mood and cross with husband it reminded me of the other things that have made me cross with him recently the most significant was the whole birthday / anniversary thing. Every year for his birthday and our anniversary I make an effort to go out and find something that I hope he will really like. It isn't always expensive but I would feel awful if on these two events in the year  I missed the opportunity to let him know how much I love and appreciate him (I just hope he gets it). This year my birthday came and went and despite the fact that he had loads of opportunities to find me a present there was none but as he was going to the states two weeks later he said he would get me something there. I  had no problem with this until he came home from the states with a "sights of New York" mug. It's not even as if I have hot drinks that often!!!!!!!! I stupidly thought that there was an actual birthday present coming but as time when on and nothing materialised I realised that this was what he had got me.
I then thought maybe he's going to get me a nice anniversary present. Not even a card.
I know this makes me sound horrible and materialistic. It's not that, I just grew up in a family where these things mattered, where my parents took the time to do these things for each other, where time was made for each other and value was placed on this.

So the other big annoyance of late. Husband had to go for a sperm test to make sure it was not down to him that we are having problems. Results came back and everything was fine with him. I went to the doctor with the results and he confirmed this and gave me some extra drugs to take this month ( can't wait for those injections to start!!!!!!). When I got home I told husband that dr. said he was fine or possibly a little above average. To which my husbands response was something along the lines of being able to tell this from his ego and something else I can't remember. I responded with some vague comment about being glad his ego was doing so well and ignored the feeling inside. His ego was fine but mine was far from it. It is my body that is not working or doing what it should. We seem to be heading towards that great black hole of unexplained infertility. I don't think we have enough sex around when I ovulate and I'm scared it's going to end up as baby-making sex not sex for fun but that is a whole other post for some time when I'm not so fed up with everything.

I'm praying for this month to work. I'm praying to get pregnant.

waiting

It's 3am and I should be asleep. I was really tired earlier but somehow I got in to bed and woke up. My period is due in the next 24hours. My stress levels are astronomical. I Have a pregnancy test upstairs but I don't want to use it. I'm sure I'm not pregnant and if I do the test then it will just confirm it early and I will know 100% that I have a period coming instead of my current 99.99% certainty and paranoia that I am about to start leaking blood.  It's just a waste of money me using it so I don't, I just sit here and get quietly stressed about it and know that tomorrow in addition to the almost certain period I will also be very tired - I will not be so much fun to be around tomorrow.

To early to risk a pregnancy test if my period does not come but well into the high stress time.

It's just not fair. Why does this happen to me? Why can't I just get pregnant like any normal woman. Whats the big idea about making me go through this every month. I seem to be surrounded by pregnant women and little babies. I can die a hundred times a day when I see the pregnant women walking around or I hear of another person expecting. I'm sure their lives aren't as wonderful as they seem from the outside but I'd just like a break for once.. 18 months of failure. 18 months of hoping and praying. 18 months of private tears and dashed hopes. At times I feel so alone that I just want to give up and not have to think about getting prgnant ever again but the part of me that wants more kids always wins out in the end and sets me up fro the monthly emotional roller coaster that is me reproductive life.

I guess now I take a deep breath and plunge in to the next couple of days with that microscopic hope that I'm ranting for nothing and maybe this month has happened. I have to keep that hope alive or I would simply give up. I picture it as a tiny flame taht I will at all costs shelter from the wind and keep burning eve though it gives off no light or heat I have to keep it burning..

life can suck

Last night my sister called and told me she is pregnant (due end of Jan). I really am very happy for her but when she told me part of me just collapsed inside. I have been trying for 18 months, from just before when she had her last kid. 18 months of praying and hoping that this month will be the one. Months of drugs and test and more tests and more failure. Month after month on an incredibly regular schedule I get that bright red sign of failure. Of my body not doing what it should do, what everyone else seems to do so easily.
WHY CAN'T I GET PREGNANT???????????????

I know that I have 2 wonderful kids and I love them more than I could ever have imagined but I want more kids.  I know I have things alot better than many other people but this isn't about other people - it's about me and my body and my life.

After she told me I was upset, then I felt guilty about being upset, then I felt even worse because I couldn't truly celebrate her good news. I just wonder if it will happen for me again?

I wish my sister all the best with number 3 and  I hope I can deal with it without letting her know about the hell I'm going through.

Bliss

Just so I remember today. I'm sitting on my balcony with a stunning view of the area, the birds are singing, the sky is blue. I have a great shady spot and the is a gentle breeze blowing.

Life is great.

Modern technology

Just wrote a post about problems I'm having at work and then deleted it. I liked this blog as my online diary but realised that unlike a pen and paper version. once this is written and out I can't take it back. Nor can I run the risk that despite the lack of publicity about this blog and my complete lack of followers that the person in question might one day come across what I have written.

It was not for public consumption, I was just trying to sort out some ideas in my head but I guess they will have to stay there.

the wait

So  I know I'm not pregnant this month. At least, I think  I do. I don't know how much of it is trying to prepare myself for the worst and how much is be actually knowing my body, if I'm honest it's quite alot of the later.
I hate this wait. This time every month when I don't know. I hope against hope that this will be the month it happens, I search my life for possible early signs of pregnancy and then  I get my period and all the hope and all all the strength that  I have been building up for the last two weeks comes crashing down and  I just want to cry.

This month has the added thrill of being my 3rd month on icaklomin so next month we get to try something different. Everything I have read online  ( and yes I know that it's not the only or always the best source of info) is pointing at a series of injections, blood tests and scans lasting 8 - 14 days. I'm a bit scared.

I'm going to see my doctor on Sunday and he will, as ever explain things to me and give me some of the hope I need to get through the next round of whatever he has planned for me.

I just hope it works fast

Parting

My husband comes back tomorrow from a week abroad. He doesn't travel that much for work but I always find  I miss him so much when he is away especially tis week when I was ill (a whole new level of respect for single parents).
Anyway, back to this week. Tomorrow my kids are going to jump on their dad when he gets back and will get so excited. I will sit back and watch. I will say hello and ask about his trip, moan abit about him going to NY without me and carry on. It's not a lack of feeling that will give us such an outwardly cold reunion but a religious obligation. I am in a state of niddah and will be until Saturday night until I go to the mikvah.
The greeting will not be cold just restrained, verbal not physical. There is a time and place for that and tomorrow will be neither for us. All that is being asked of us is a huge amount of self control to overcome that most basic urge that we have, the urge for physical contact, for the security that holding someone gives.
Before I married I couldn't understand what the big fuss about niddah was or why people would do it other than because they have to. I wouldn't say I enjoy it now but I have come to see it in a more positive light and appreciate some of what it gives me. The space and time alone is nice - I love sharing a bed with a husband but it's nice sometimes to have my own space, my own bed.
People say a marriage develops over time and this has. It could be that I resent it less now I have kids or maybe it's one of those things you start to do because you have to but then want to do it. I can't imagine a marriage without it now. I'm sure that on so many levels that I'm not even aware of it is good for me and good for my marriage. The parting and the returning, the welcoming each other back it to each others lives in the most intimate way possible. The control and the final release, getting to know each other again. Holding out for what seems like an unbelievably long time until we finally get back together. It always seems like forever be it a regular 13 day separation or the 6ish weeks after I have given birth. The last few days are always the hardest.
This month it will be just that bit harder because he was away this month. But that just makes the returning that bit more special.
And hopefully this will be the last month of it for a the next 9 months. Please.

Hamas and Fatah

Hamas and Fatah have reached an agreement to join forces and work together, hold elections and all the other things that people say at this type of deal.
Israel said it would not negotiate with Hamas who are still dedicated to their destruction and for this people will no doubt disapprove of Israel and tell us we are the obstacle to peace and we should make even more concessions to get the peace talks started again.

Today Hamas condem America for killing "the holy arab warrior"

I think we can all agree that Bin Laden was a terrorist with little regard for human life both Muslim and other.These are the people the world wants us to make peace with. I would like to suggest to America that they now sit down with Al-Qaeda and negotiate a peace settlement, after all thats what they want us to do.

Osama

So they killed Bin Laden and around the world it is being hailed as a great moment for "The War on Terrorism". After 10 years and millions of pounds and too many lives lost they have finally got him and if anyone thinks it will make the slightest difference they are, I believe wrong.
Osama Bin Laden had become a figurehead. I'm sure he was involved in many things but he is seen now as a symbol. The US has today cut off one head from the monster in the fight against terror but in it's place will rise many more each vying for the top spot. This might give us lots in infighting and everyone being to busy killing the other factions to fight us but I doubt it. I think every potential leader will be trying to prove he is the best by staging more and more extreme acts of terrorism and with the bar set at the September 11th attacks I think we are all in for a very uncertain period.
It makes very little difference how many terrorist leaders you kill, until you change the society that worships violence and applauds killing as a means to achieve a goal you will not destroy terror. Until people are given the choice to have an education, to develop their lives how they see fit, contribute to society and receive support and benefits from the same society terrorism will always exist.

The other striking image of the day was the "partying" after the announcement. Grow up. A man was killed and thats not something to celebrate, acknowledge and move on. The parting in the street was driven by the same urge as the celebrations we saw in Gaza after the Itamar massacre adjusted for the society. My terrorist is your  freedom fighter and we do not celebrate death.
I read or heard a quote today that "justice has been served". I disagree, justice was not served. There was no court, no trial, no lawyers, no jury. There was no justice, just a bullet. I realise that they would rather have taken him alive and gone to trial but circumstances forced the events. Maybe it's better this way. No-one is spending a fortune on incarceration and trail costs and we don't have to sit through the media circus it would become when we all know that the result would be the death sentence. There is a plus to not having a trial but it does not mean that justice has been served.

So yes, I congratulate the US armed forces for this significant breakthrough but lets not think we are done.
We have barely started.

Questions

On my second month of icka.... (can't remember how to spell it but it's the one that makes you ovulate more). I have been told that this increases the chance of having twins and this does give me something to think about. I want more kids but the thought of having twins is very scary and adds another element of surprise (or risk depending on how I feel) to the whole thing. 


This is how it goes; I take estrofem at the beginning of my period, then I take the other one that I can't spell, then I go to the mikva and then after hopefully quite a bit of sex I wait. And the waiting seems to go on forever. Did I ovulate? Did we have sex at the right time? will I get pregnant this month? If I do, when will the baby be due? This gives me a good two weeks of lowish level stress before those critical days when my period is due. Will it happen this month? what possible early pregnancy symptoms might I have? Am I feeling pre-menstrual? Was that an early blood stain I saw? If it was, can I just ignore it and then maybe it won't happen? Was it enough blood to make me niddah? Am I just putting off the reality of the situation and my religious obligations if I ignore it?


and then there is the big one.......It was only a tiny bit of colour so maybe it was just spotting............Please?


It wasn't and only has been once but I long for it again. The other thing that is always at the back of my mind though if I get as far as pregnancy - how many will it be??????


Wish me luck for this month

Bombs and buses

I was scrolling through the BBC website photos of the bombing in Jerusalem today and the caption on one of the photos struck me as very strange. "The explosion has shocked a city which last experienced a bus bombing in 2004."

The wording seemed to imply that it was strange that we haven't had a bus bombing for 7 years and we were shocked and caught unaware. That we should somehow expect to have them and not be so surprised when yet another bus blows up.
That's not to say that the last 7 years have been calm and peaceful, we have rockets fired at us, families killed in their sleep, missiles fired at us, road diggers ramming in to buses and cars and, did I mention missiles fired at us.

The last few days have seen an upsurge in attacks from Gaza in to Israel with missiles now reaching as far as Beer Sheva.

I don't want another intifada, I don't want to be scared to drive in my car or to go in to a shopping center or ride on a bus. I don't want to have to dive for my phone every day to make sure everyone I know is ok. I want a normal life

link to the photos: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-12837951

Happy Purim

Just had a really nice Purim. No great revelations just a nice fun day with the family and friends. The kids dressed up,  I dressed up, my husband didn't - he never does unless the kids force him to and they failed to this year.

None the less we all had fun!

Babies part 2

I'm still not pregnant. I'm having scans this week to find out if I'm ovulating following this months round of drugs. From the 2 scans  I have had so far this month there seems to be some progress but nothing yet. Here's hoping and praying fro something this month.

This isn't quite the normal selfish "oh no I'm still not pregnant " rant. I wanted to remember what happened at the Mikva this month. I'm not a great one for spontaneous prayer but there I was standing in the room at the mikva thinking and there it was. I was thinking about the tragedy in Itamar (the murder of 5 members of the Fogel family) and mostly about the kids. The only name I could remember at the time was Hadasa - the 3 month old baby. It seemed unfair to me that these souls had only been in the world for a short time and did not have the chance to reach their full potential ( or maybe they did, I don't know). I simply asked Hashem to send the souls back. Many women went to the mikva this week, many of us are longing for the chance to bring a soul in to the world, to allow it to grow and develop. Five souls were suddenly taken from the world this week. Please Hashem, find five women who are worthy enough to give these souls the second chance the need to develop their full potential to serve you.
Thank you

babies part 1

Well before anything else I must confess that I'm still not quite sure how to deal with the murder in Itamar on shabbat. The pictures were shocking, the event was shocking and I just don't get how you can kill a baby. When Avraham sends away Yishmael and Hagar they get stranded in the desert with no water. Hashem send s an angel to bring them to water or show them water ( I forget the details but thats the gist of it). The question is asked why did hashem save Yishmael when he knew what Yishmael and his descendants were going to do to the Jewish people. The answer is as follows; at that stage in his life Yishmael had not done wrong and nor had his descendants, they still had time to change. That hashem knew what choices they were going to make did not mean they had to make them. Hashem did not allow an innocent person to die DESPITE his divine knowledge that in the future this person would cause harm.
Whatever your views on the situation in Israel, whether you support the Israelis, the Palestinians or both to some degree can we at least agree on one thing: a three month old baby has done no wrong, the other children had done no wrong.
There is no justification in killing children. A society can not be founded on the murders of others. Death occurs when people are trying to fight for what they believe in. In a war soldiers die. To walk in to someones house whilst they sleep and stab them in their beds is not a war, it is not a way to fight for what you believe is right.

To go out and celebrate after killing people is not humane or moral or just.

I would like to live in peace and not have to send my children to learn hoe to shot guns and turn them in to soldiers but I don't know how to make peace with people who celebrate after they murder children sleeping in their beds

So here we go again

I went to the doctor today due to my continuing lack of pregnancy. He was, as always running about 40mins late. I hate going to see him when I'm not pregnant. The feeling of failing at something that I should be able to do hangs on me and I don't even know why I'm failing at it. I hate sitting outside his office waiting to go in and thinking that everyone assumes I'm pregnant when I'm not. I worry about meeting parents of my students there or even seeing my students who have come in for something else but see me sitting outside the his office.

When I got in, he hummed and hawed about what was going on with my insides and gave me some more drugs to take to help my ovulation. I came home and obviously looked it all up on line - just like I did 5 years ago when I was trying to get pregnant the first time. 

It's different this time. I have 2 kids so I know I can get pregnant and don't get me wrong, I love them both and am so grateful for them but I want another one. 

My best friend called me last week to tell me she is pregnant with her second. I'm really happy for her but part of me was wondering when I will get to make that phone call and when will I feel another life growing in me. I mention this friend because afterwards it made me think. She has been wanting to be married and have kids forever, she got married 2 1/2 years ago after seeing many of her friends get married, settle down and start families. I guess I never stopped to think what it was like for her watching everyone else do the things she wanted to be doing. I never thought about her pain or frustration at going to another wedding or celebrating someone else's good news without ever having the true joy and celebration of it being her good news. She watched her sisters get married and have kids, she was there when I got married and had my kids - I couldn't imagine it any other way. I would like to apologise if I made you feel uncomfortable or ignored your pain and thank you for always being there for me.

It's easy to think that you are the only person with problems and that everyone else is living a great life but life doesn't work that way. People work that way. One of the hardest things is to remember that things you see aren't always what is happening. I wish my friend an easy pregnancy and to anyone else who stumbles across my thoughts that you should get what you need and hopefully also what you want.