My sister had a baby boy today. I'm really happy for her and the picture looks very babylike and quite cute. When she told me she was expecting 6 months ago it crushed me. I was in the middle of infertility treatment and getting ever more depressed about the whole thing.
I'm happy to say there is nothing stopping me being happy today, no faked joy or hidden resentment...and my boys finally have a male cousin!!!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
It has to be written
I have avoided putting this down in any form for about 5 months but I can't escape the fact that it keeps bubbling away in my mind. In September my husband told me that he has been spending large amounts of time on various porn and meeting sites. That he has been carrying on long relationships with people over the internet, in some cases it was women and in some cases men.
Maybe it was the timing or maybe it was the truth but I told him then that I loved him and I still do but I can't get it out of my mind that he had an affair (or possibly more than one, I'm not sure how to count these things). You hear stories of women who take husbands back after affairs only to be hurt again and again. I never thought I was that type of person but maybe I am. He says he won't ever go back to it but maybe he will, how much can I trust him? How much should I trust him? how long should I be suspicious?
My husband had an affair online. I wonder how often he was chatting with these people whilst sitting opposite me whilst I was sure he was working? How often was he up late allegedly working but really carrying on an alternate life whilst I was up in bed, at times desperately wanting him to come up and come to bed with me? When if ever do I get my old life back?
I don't see a difference between an online affair and an actual one. He betrayed my trust and destroyed the private intimacy between us. I don't know what of himself he ever showed to anyone but I have an idea of what he was looking at on at least one of the websites. I once found a chat from someone he met on one of these sites. I recongnised the language he was using to chat with her because he used to flirt with me like that. He spoiled that memory and destroyed that part of our history. I thought it was just me, when I read the way he was chatting to this other women I wondered how much he meant it with me or was I just another person he could fit in to his patter.
Logic tells me I was different, he married me and sometimes even says he still loves me but this is not a logical situation. I haven't spoken to him about this for a few months because I'm not sure that it would help and maybe part of me still isn't ready to believe his answers.
Despite all this yes I love him and I am happy that in a few months time we will have another child.
Maybe it was the timing or maybe it was the truth but I told him then that I loved him and I still do but I can't get it out of my mind that he had an affair (or possibly more than one, I'm not sure how to count these things). You hear stories of women who take husbands back after affairs only to be hurt again and again. I never thought I was that type of person but maybe I am. He says he won't ever go back to it but maybe he will, how much can I trust him? How much should I trust him? how long should I be suspicious?
My husband had an affair online. I wonder how often he was chatting with these people whilst sitting opposite me whilst I was sure he was working? How often was he up late allegedly working but really carrying on an alternate life whilst I was up in bed, at times desperately wanting him to come up and come to bed with me? When if ever do I get my old life back?
I don't see a difference between an online affair and an actual one. He betrayed my trust and destroyed the private intimacy between us. I don't know what of himself he ever showed to anyone but I have an idea of what he was looking at on at least one of the websites. I once found a chat from someone he met on one of these sites. I recongnised the language he was using to chat with her because he used to flirt with me like that. He spoiled that memory and destroyed that part of our history. I thought it was just me, when I read the way he was chatting to this other women I wondered how much he meant it with me or was I just another person he could fit in to his patter.
Logic tells me I was different, he married me and sometimes even says he still loves me but this is not a logical situation. I haven't spoken to him about this for a few months because I'm not sure that it would help and maybe part of me still isn't ready to believe his answers.
Despite all this yes I love him and I am happy that in a few months time we will have another child.
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