talking

I was talking to a friend yesterday and occurred to me afterwards that what scared me was watching Aa break down, were it to happen.

With everything we have gone through in the last 9 years of marriage it is typically me who will break down, cry, get upset and show him what I feel even if I can't say it. The thought of the tables being turned and me seeing him do all the things I usually do seems so foreign. Part of me wants to see him cry, wants him to break down and wants him to tell me what he's feeling, to open up to me. To share his pain, to know what is hard, to try and understand him. The other part of me wants none of that. It wants the Aa I have always known to be strong and calm and rational, Yet I know that is unreasonable, you can't go through an experience like he has without it affecting you on so many levels.

I know that despite his ability to hid almost every emotion he has he is capable of a great depth of emotion, there I times when I have seen it and times were I have just glimpsed it before he hid it away. I suspect he is processing everything inside him but I hope when it's done or even before it's all done he'll let some of it out. I truly believe that it is not a good thing to keep everything bottled up inside but there is only one person who can make the choice to talk and it's not me.