Are you alright?

Well the simple answer is no. My mum has cancer and it's going to kill her, not this week or next (I hope) but this is what is going to do her in at the end and I'm scared, I'm not ready for this. To or not watch her going through more and more chemo to suffer and fade is to watch my dad living through it with her.
My dad doesn't laugh or smile, he puts everything on hold, won't commit to anything without a caveat of "but it depends on mum". I could almost deal with my mum and the cancer and all that crap if  I didn't have to deal with my dad too.

And on top of all this Aaron is just being I don't know what. Now I will agree that I may be slightly hormonal but give me a break, I'm 6 months pregnant. So every time I want to sort something out that usually involve spending money he gets all tetchy about it. I ask him if he's spoken to the person in charge of the keren hishtalmut fund and no he never has and then gets cross about it, When I want to discuss plans for decorating or cars or really anything he just isn't interested or says not now or comes out with some other excuse not to discuss it.
I'm still not convinced he wants this kid but the fact is he knew I was off birth control,  I had already got pregnant once in the summer and then miscarried so it's not like me getting pregnant should have been such a shock. I can accept that he is worried about the finances but he is yet to show any actual excitement about this baby. He seems to be ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant and maybe not as able to do everything as I normally can.

I feel alone and unsupported. I can't complain to my mum because she's got enough to deal with, I can't relax with my dad because he's so tense about my mum and I can't talk t my husband because he always tries to put me off or else he's got work to finish or catch up with or sort out or something.

I need someone to tell me  that I don't have to cope with this by myself. I need someone to let me take a break. I need someone to help me.  Ineed someone to let me have some time to be me.

Soooooooo fed up

I've just had a crappy week. trying to pesach clean having 2 kids at home and being 6 months pregnant. It has taken me twice as long to do half as much as normal, I feel so unready and disorganised. Ifeel as if I've had to do it all myself this year because every night my husband comes home with yet more stuff to do for work.
Today, I have had all three kids at home and I'm ready to scream at someone and then I get a message from my husband that he's staying a bit late at work so he won't have to work tonight at home. Let's forget the fact that he went in to work an hour late this morning so he could go running, the fact that he was meant to be home to cut one of my kids hair tonight, that I actually needed him to get something today so I can finish the kitchen. I really needed him home early today. I needed him to leave the work until another day. I don't need him to come home and complain about how little I've got done today which I'm pretty sure he will.

I'm fed up of the running obsession and how it overrides everything else.  How if his running chug gets moved I have to find other times to go shopping and potentially not go swimming. He wants to change to a different chug so I'm going to have to change when I shop to a less convenient day, stop going swimming and generally change things to make it less convenient for me just to make sure that he can still go running when it suits him. He goes out running on  a Friday morning if he hasn't been out policing Thursday night and then spends Friday being tired  from his run after spending Thursday night wait for it....... working so either way he is not fully available either Thursday night or Friday morning.

But I'm the one who has to change has to change when I shop and swim so he can go running.

I asked my MIL if she wanted to come over today to see the kids (and potentially give me a hand with them whilst I did some cooking/cleaning) thinking she might like to actually see her grandchildren having flown out to Israel and only being out here for a couple of weeks but no we are apparently too far away to come and visit so she will wait until she is coming here next week to see them. Yes I feel as if my kids are far less important to her than her other grandchildren. It's a familiar pattern, in the winter she was out for 3 weeks, she spent 4 days with us and only came back afterwards to see us again because I actually asked her to come and see the kids again.
So then I wonder if I have done something wring that she doesn't want to spend time with me and my kids when she comes out here?

I think that's enough complaining for one day. hopefully I'll feel better later and if not............ I'll just suck it up and get on with life.

Here's hoping things get better soon.