We were at a wedding two days ago. It was beautiful. As the sun set and the moon rose over the desert the couple stood under the chuppa filled with joy and excitement smiles plastered across their faces. It was a perfect moment.
Just behind me stood my husband of 11 years. I remember our wedding (not quite so scenic but the same joy and excitement) and I thought of what has happened over the last 11 years. There have been ups and downs, some big and some small. The most recent was my (our?) miscarriage just two days earlier.
Our wedding was wonderful. I loved it and have always said I would do it again but the marriage is better. Our life together, our family and each other. I love my husband and can't think of anyone else who I would rather have spent the last 11 years with, anyone else who I would want with me in the hard times or with me to celebrate the good times.
A wedding is great but right now I think marriage is even better.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Easy Come, not so easy go
Last Wednesday I had a huge shock, after various conversations and thoughts I did a home pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant!!!!! After a few choice words in the privacy of the toilet I frantically organised a doctors appointment and places for the boys to go whilst I drove to the other side of Jerusalem for the medical conformation I needed. After lots and lots of waiting I eventually got in to see the doctor who confirmed the pregnancy and guessed it was about 4 weeks old. Then came lots of print outs and a nice chat about how this had been so much easier than the last time. I was happy and quite a bit scared about the close age gap between my baby and the next one (due around mid marchish).
I spent the next couple of days in a bit of a daze. We had some conversations about double buggies and bigger cars. I was still trying to take it all in and had noticed a couple of spots of blood, nothing serious and all seemed quite normal for early pregnancy. Come Friday we packed up to go away for shabbat, it was my father in laws 2nd yorzhiet and we were going to have a family shabbat in Jerusalem.
Friday night we were going to bed and I had some quite significant bleeding. This was no longer normal. By mid morning on Saturday it had become a significant flow. By lunch time I was filling a nappy every hour. By now there was no hiding the fact that I was having a miscarriage.
The blood and other stuff continued to flow and it got more and more uncomfortable. By late afternoon I just wanted to be at home with my own bed and toilet. I was miserable, uncomfortable and sad. None of these things had any place in a family shabbat away from home. I wanted to curl up and escape everyone. I wanted peace and quiet and privacy. I had to wait a few more hours before any of that could happen.
At long last, shabbat ended and we were on our way home. We put the kids to bed and then I headed back to Jerusalem to get checked out at the womens clinic. After a bit of confusion as to where it was I was finally there and when I went in to see the doctor he confirmed what I already knew. My medical file now records a "spontaneous abortion". He gave me some medication to help empty out the rest of my womb and sent me home. There was really nothing more he could do or that I needed him to do.
So there it is, for four days I knew I was pregnant and then I wasn't. Still don't know how I feel. On the one hand it was an unexpected pregnancy that had not been preceded by all the test and treatment that others have had but on the other hand I was pregnant and for whatever reason beyond my control the fetus was not to be but I still miss it. I miss it when the blood is still flowing out of me as it did after I gave birth to my three kids but there is no baby to hold now. It's blood that is death, I don't need any symbolism here to explain how a period makes me niddah because of the potential for life that was not fulfilled. This blood is the life that didn't grow, didn't develop, didn't nurture a child in my womb for 9 months. This is the blood that failed. The blood that is dying with the child I will never know, the child that never was.
I have a husband who loves me. I have 3 children who I love and who love me. I am healthy ( if somewhat overweight) and I have a good life. My body will recover, my mood will lift and life will go on. I am not a sad person and who knows what the future has in store for me but I know that I can deal with having a miscarriage and whatever else life throws at me, but right now please excuse me if I'm a little sad.
I spent the next couple of days in a bit of a daze. We had some conversations about double buggies and bigger cars. I was still trying to take it all in and had noticed a couple of spots of blood, nothing serious and all seemed quite normal for early pregnancy. Come Friday we packed up to go away for shabbat, it was my father in laws 2nd yorzhiet and we were going to have a family shabbat in Jerusalem.
Friday night we were going to bed and I had some quite significant bleeding. This was no longer normal. By mid morning on Saturday it had become a significant flow. By lunch time I was filling a nappy every hour. By now there was no hiding the fact that I was having a miscarriage.
The blood and other stuff continued to flow and it got more and more uncomfortable. By late afternoon I just wanted to be at home with my own bed and toilet. I was miserable, uncomfortable and sad. None of these things had any place in a family shabbat away from home. I wanted to curl up and escape everyone. I wanted peace and quiet and privacy. I had to wait a few more hours before any of that could happen.
At long last, shabbat ended and we were on our way home. We put the kids to bed and then I headed back to Jerusalem to get checked out at the womens clinic. After a bit of confusion as to where it was I was finally there and when I went in to see the doctor he confirmed what I already knew. My medical file now records a "spontaneous abortion". He gave me some medication to help empty out the rest of my womb and sent me home. There was really nothing more he could do or that I needed him to do.
So there it is, for four days I knew I was pregnant and then I wasn't. Still don't know how I feel. On the one hand it was an unexpected pregnancy that had not been preceded by all the test and treatment that others have had but on the other hand I was pregnant and for whatever reason beyond my control the fetus was not to be but I still miss it. I miss it when the blood is still flowing out of me as it did after I gave birth to my three kids but there is no baby to hold now. It's blood that is death, I don't need any symbolism here to explain how a period makes me niddah because of the potential for life that was not fulfilled. This blood is the life that didn't grow, didn't develop, didn't nurture a child in my womb for 9 months. This is the blood that failed. The blood that is dying with the child I will never know, the child that never was.
I have a husband who loves me. I have 3 children who I love and who love me. I am healthy ( if somewhat overweight) and I have a good life. My body will recover, my mood will lift and life will go on. I am not a sad person and who knows what the future has in store for me but I know that I can deal with having a miscarriage and whatever else life throws at me, but right now please excuse me if I'm a little sad.
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