3 days

Had a good chag/shabbat. We ate, slept, davened and did all the things we are meant to do. The kids had fun and we got a bit of time to relax.

I got thrown at lunch today. We were eating at a friend who is pregnant and when I saw her in shul today I suddenly wasn't sure that I could deal with a whole lunch of seeing her being pregnant. I did and it was fine and we had a really nice lunch but I was surprised that it threw me. This month has been such a screwed up month that I am not expecting to get pregnant but I think it has to be this month or possibly next or we (or at least Aa) won't be able to go back to the UK for his fathers stone setting next summer - just an added worry because I didn't have enough to worry about.

I'm currently basing my hopes of getting pregnant on an IUI procedure that will be the next step in this journey. I feel bad about writing off this month and yes I do still want to try but things have just not been working for so long that I have very little faith in this working now.

On the topic of little faith I managed to bring up the idea of a night away with husband whilst we were eating at some friends. As expected he utterly ridiculed the idea and dismissed it out of hand. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to convince him that I want this. It just doesn't seem to be relevant to him and I don't know how to explain the value of it to me. He says that he gets home and the kids are in bed or nearly in bed and then they are asleep until the morning so we have all evening alone. He doesn't get that it'snot the being alone but also a change a scenery. It was like our original plan for this summer, day trips but also going away somewhere (hence the camping). If we just did day trips and came back home every day then I don't get a break. We would still be coming back to the same house with the same housework, shopping, cooking etc to do.
I would like that change of scenery, the knowledge that no kid is going to wake up in the middle of the night and come in. That someone else would organise breakfast and clear it up. Just a change from everyday life.

I keep dreaming and maybe I'll get it one day.

On a completely different note, a number of people were asking me how Aa is doing especially with it being rosh hashanna. I said I wasn't sure and when I mentioned this to him this evening his comment was, "well what do you think?" implying everything was fine. On the on hand, I'm really happy if it is and he really is absolutely fine but part of me says he shouldn't be fine and there should be something else going on. I guess if there is I'll never get to know about it.
I still feel at times that he is miles away. Maybe I'm wrong and just making all this up but I wish I understood him more.

Lets hope we have a good year