I can't do it

I'm losing it with the kids, I'm not getting enough sleep, I don't have enough patience for the boys, I don't kn ow how much longer I can keep all this in.

Ok, I know that I will basically be fine until whenever it is he gets back but right know it just seems so hard.

I was going to write about a decision  I made so here it is.
Before he went back to the UK, I said to him that they shouldn't all return together to try and make it a bit easier for his mum. It was absolutely the right thing to say and do and  I am glad I said it then because I don't know if I would have the strength to say it now. I know none of this can be about me but I also know that I want him on the next plane back to Israel. I have spoken to people who have been there and seen him, everyone says he is ok for what he has gone through but however many times I hear it I can't fully believe it. He has a lifetime practice of hiding his emotions and whilst  I don't know if he has the strength to do that now it wouldn't surprise me if to some extent he was. I don't know that he will ever open up to me about how he has felt this week and what he has gone through but I know it won't happen over the phone and I'd like to think it will happen one day.

Who knows, maybe one day I'll even tell him what I've been going through this week.