dilemas and lonliness

Just finished shabbat, had good meals with great company but I have never felt more alone over a shabbat. As Kiddush was made last night I was thinking of my husband - was he making kiddush in his parents house? In shul this morning I thought of him going to shul alone. At every mealtime I was thinking of what he was going through and just not knowing is so hard.

I'm lonely. I am surrounded by people but I'm lonely. I have never missed him this much before in my life. I feel that at least for a short time I have lost him. It's not like when he is away on business, it's that I feel I can't reach him most of the time. Before he went away I told him to stay beyond his sisters staying so that his mum would have company for a bit longer. I can't ask him to come back before he is ready but I desperately need to see him. The few short hours I saw him after we knew but before he left seem like a lifetime ago. I need to see him. I need to hold him. I need to know that he is coping. I'm scared that he is going to bottle everything up and that it will just build up inside him forever. I need to know if he is letting himself grieve. I need to see that he is ok.
One thing I have discovered is quite how much I love him. It come sometimes just be a phrase when we say "I love you" to someone but this week I have realised how much I truly love him, how much I need his help and support, how much I get from him with out ever realising it, how much he gives me, the strength I get from always knowing that he will be there for be. It's just a shame that we take these things for granted do often and don't always appreciate what we have. Loving someone means being there for everything, I love him with all my soul but I'm still not sure that I've done the best thing for him this week but I have to believe that I have.

That all sounds very self centered,  He's just lost his father and who am I to tell him what to do and when to do it. I know that for the next year at least that I have to follow his cues as to what he wants, needs and can do (in both an emotional and religious sense) but somewhere I also need to grieve. I also need the closure.Our boys need to see their dad. I need him like I have never needed him before but I know I can't ask him for anything. I'm counting the days to an unknown return date and it just seems to reach out in to an eternal future.

I need him back and I know my needs right now come a definite second to his and his mum's but I still have those needs even if I'm having to keep them inside.