New year

feel like crap, still have cooking to do and just want to sleep and sleep.

Apart from that, to my reader(s) happy new year and lets hope that the new year is better than the one just ending and all our dreams come true.

Thanks for reading.

percentages

I was talking to a friend on shabbat about how the process works after you lose a parent. She described it in percentages. She said you are never 100% after it happens. During the Shiva you are functioning at a low percentage which slowly increases during the shloshim. She said for a long time you can function on 50 -60%, to the outside things look fine but there are no where near normal. The level at which you function may go up and down with time but according to no fixed pattern, good times and bad times. 

What stuck with me was the comment about never being 100% again. It reminds me of the comment I made to another friend when Aa was sitting Shiva, "of course he won't be the same, his father has just died". It's the same concept worded differently. It doesn't matter if it's the shiva, the shloshim, the year or any point after that - this will be with us for ever and my husband is never going to be the same again.

an unrealised dream

Title sounds a lot more impressive and dramatic than the post is going to be. Was eating dinner with husband and asked him if we were going to go out for dinner for his birthday. He said it depends on what is happening with my mums birthday dinner and who is paying for that, we can't pay for 2 meals out in a week.
I understand the financial logic of that, but still want to go out with just him. The thought of going away for a night is clearly going to have to remain a far off distant dream.

Right now I'd settle for dinner out for two, somewhere quiet and private.

back to square one

After a long and unexpected break we are back to the topic of my completely and utterly  screwed up body. Because my life has not been crappy enough for the last few weeks my body has decided that it needs to screw up my period and any chance of be actually having something good. I may be bleeding. I don't want to got to the toilet to see if there is any stain on my underwear. Every little twinge I feel in my body I wonder if it is a period starting again only a few short days after my last (also very strange) period finished.

I phoned up Aa and couldn't not cry. I felt like I just couldn't keep going . It was the uncertainty, was it this or that what can I do, what can I not do when should I do it and what the hell am I meant to do about the drugs? I spoke to Aa when he got home and he told me to stop obsessing. He doesn't get it that I can't. That I am surrounded by babies and pregnant women. That every twinge or thing that happens to by body  that is not normal results in wondering am I pregnant, am I going to get my period, have I got my period, what did that mean, how do I feel and a hundred other questions depending on the time of the month.

It's like I'm failing a test every month. My body seems to be set up for failure, just to screw with my mind month after month after bloody month. I'm fed up of "there's always next month" and "we'll try again". I want it to work. I drag myself through it all and I just want it to be easy, I want to be like everyone else who seems to get pregnant whenever they want.

Why don't I work????????

I'm fed up of it being secret. When I phoned up Aa to tell him that I had spoken to someone to ask a question and told him about the infertility, Aa's first response was "why did you tell him that?" It just seemed so confrontational and as if I was spreading this deep dark secret. I told him because it could have a bearing on the answer. Maybe part of me also wants people to know. I don't want to declare it on facebook or tell everyone I meet but maybe our friends should know. It's an illness with as many social symptoms as physical. We don't hide other illnesses so why does this stay hidden . I understand that sex and family planning is between a couple but things can be shared in a way that still keeps the private stuff private but lets people help you.

I wish it was as easy as just deciding not to obsess about it but I ma biologically, hormonally and emotionally designed to reproduce. It's a matter of body awareness and maybe I am hyper aware but that's what months of counting days and looking and counting and taking drugs and more drugs and teats and more drugs does to you.

I wish I could be less emotionally invested in this but it seems wired in to me. I wish I could be detached and calm about it like Aa seems to be but I can't.

I hate my body. I hate it for failing me every month. I want to be normal.

A memory

I opened the door and was surprised to see B here so late at night. He was out on the balcony and I turned to Aa to ask what he was doing here. I saw my husbands red eyes as he said, "my father has passed away". I dropped my bags were I was standing walked over and held him. His body shaking with tears, his arms clinging to me, my eyes welling up as I tried to comprehend what I had just been told.
Within a few short minutes he was leaving the house to go to his sisters. B had told me to pack a suitcase and make sure there were non-leather shoes in it. Then they were gone.

I went upstairs to try and begin packing. I called my parents who were both speechless, I called a close friend in London, his reaction was much the same. I called a friend here and told him, I explained that I needed to go over to ramot and could he babysit. He was over about 10mins later. During that time I also spoke to Aa, he told me not to come over, I ignored him.

I got to Ramot, saw his sister and gave her a hug, her tears were flowing freely. There was an atmosphere of disbelief but it could all be put aside by dealing with the practical sides of organizing flights and logistics. There were quite conversations with B out in the garden. Words of comfort and some practical advice. going upstairs with his Mum and taking the whiskey and the wedding presents she had that needed distributing. Eventually it was all sorted.

We came back home. We sat downstairs for a while, I made food for the flight (something has gone wrong so we must feed them - glad I had that to fall back on). Aa's bag got repacked in to something smaller. We went upstairs to "sleep" for a couple of hours. We all lay on beds wide awake until the designated get up time. Aa and his mum got dressed and when we saw B arriving downstairs to take them to the airport I said my good byes, hugged his mum and watched them leave.

I went back to bed knowing that I had to sleep because the boys would be up in a couple of hours. They woke up, I told them what had happened and sent them to a friend for the day. I went to Jerusalem to buy a book to tell me what I needed to know on a piratical level. and some stuff for our camping holiday. I was barely functioning but had to keep busy. I tried to sleep in the afternoon but couldn't. I picked up the boys and went to another friend. I got through the day.

The picture of those first few minutes will never leave me. The raw emotion, none of us knowing what to do next.

The shopping from the night before lay were I had dropped it when I came in for a few days.

2 things

This was meant o be called something along the lines of "thinking outside the box" but then I thought of something else I had to say and the name sounded wrong.
So the first thing. Grief does not fit in a box. There is no set way for it to unfold and no two people will deal with it in the same way. There is no right or wrong and there is no easy formula or easy solutions. There is no time frame for it to finish.

I now have to deal with this, recognise that it is beyond my control and accept that what happens will happen. I stand by all that I have said earlier about wanting my husband to speak, cry, ..... but I now have to really make it a reality that I am waiting and moving on. I've written those words enough times but I have to change my thinking and make them a reality.

I said move on - I didn't say forget.

And now the second thing. I really really want to go away with my husband for a night without the kids (when I am not niddah). I know he will never go for it if I suggest it but I desperately feel the need to spend a significant amount of time with him and just him. We've both had a draining month or so and  I just feel that I need to do this. As I said it's not the sort of thing he goes for so I'm not sure how to even begin to mention it but I would really appreciate it if it could happen.

talking

I was talking to a friend yesterday and occurred to me afterwards that what scared me was watching Aa break down, were it to happen.

With everything we have gone through in the last 9 years of marriage it is typically me who will break down, cry, get upset and show him what I feel even if I can't say it. The thought of the tables being turned and me seeing him do all the things I usually do seems so foreign. Part of me wants to see him cry, wants him to break down and wants him to tell me what he's feeling, to open up to me. To share his pain, to know what is hard, to try and understand him. The other part of me wants none of that. It wants the Aa I have always known to be strong and calm and rational, Yet I know that is unreasonable, you can't go through an experience like he has without it affecting you on so many levels.

I know that despite his ability to hid almost every emotion he has he is capable of a great depth of emotion, there I times when I have seen it and times were I have just glimpsed it before he hid it away. I suspect he is processing everything inside him but I hope when it's done or even before it's all done he'll let some of it out. I truly believe that it is not a good thing to keep everything bottled up inside but there is only one person who can make the choice to talk and it's not me.

afterwards

Well the siyum was very appropriate. Aa spoke and we all got through it. Yes there were things that were hard for him to say and hard for me to hear but he spoke clearly and with dignity. His dad would have been proud. I was proud of him. I don't know if it would have been easier if I would have seen it before because I think it was the delivery as much as the words.
I said to him on the way home last night that I had to read the speech afterwards because despite having heard all the words that he said there was a point at which I wasn't following the the content. I also told him some of how I'm feeling and what it's been like for me. I don't know how much of that he knew before but at least I told him something. I hope he understood that I wasn't trying to dump my pain on him but that it was simply the depth of my lose and the impact his father had on my life. Grieving is a very lonely process, I hope he knows he's not alone.
I was talking to his sister last night about how close I was to buying a ticket to go over for the shiva. The unspoken comment behind it was that if I had it was as much for my sake as my husbands. The counter to that is that before he left he told me he wanted me here with the kids. I'm never going to know if I did the right thing.

It's a good thing that life and halacha pushes us along because I have seen recently how it would be easy to get stuck in a rut and not deal with the world.We've passed the shloshim and things will now move on to the next level. The next 11 months of things to face together.

tonight

I've been distracted all day thinking about the siyum. Well not so much the siyum but my husband. He's speaking tonight about his father. I have no idea what he is going to say and this worries me. I do not doubt that he will speak well and appropriately but I think I'm a bit apprehensive. I don't know how he will cope speaking out loud  about his father in a public forum and I don't know how I will respond. What I do know is that I need to give him the support he needs and that means I may have to put aside how I feel and whet I need. I wanted to see the text not to have any real input in to what he says  but so that I know what to expect, so that I am not thrown by something he says, so that I can internalise what is going to be said, deal with it before hand so that if he needs me tonight I won't have to deal with anything new to me.

I'm not sure what will be harder to deal with. my husband breaking down in tears or my husband speaking sitting down and carrying on as normal. I'm sure it will be one of those options tonight and nothing in between. He's not that sort of person.

I will now just have to deal with what I have. I don't like the unpredictability of what is going on. I'm not good at dealing with unplanned things. I like to know what will happen. I like to be prepared. I will probably spend the next few hours thinking up all sorts of things that may happen tonight and probably none of them will but such is my mind. I don't know what will happen so I have to plan and imagine for everything. Sometimes I wish I had less of an imagination.

he's here, at least in person

He's sitting next to be but we could be in different countries. He trying to write something to say about his father at the siyum. Earlier when I asked him about it he referred to it as an obituary, I hadn't thought of it like that. It sounds so final. It is so final.
He sitting there spending more time not writing than writing. He's thinking, checking, struggling. We haven't spoken about what he is feeling since he came back. I don't know if he spoke to anyone whilst he was in Scotland. I suspect his is the first time he is having to put in to words some of what he is feeling. It is the first time he is going to stand up in public and talk about his father. It's another sign that this is real.

The last couple of weeks we have established our new routine, things are falling in to place and we are carrying on. Whilst he was away I lost track of time to some extent and in some ways that is still going on. I sometimes forget that it has only been a month, that despite what I see the pain must still be very real and very raw.
People ask me how he's doing and I always say "ok". It's the easy answer but I don't really know what it means. I don't know what ok is any more but I don't know what else to say. I hated it when people told me that he was ok when he was sitting shiva because it didn't tell me anything but it seems to be one of the more common phrases I am using now, not that I like it anymore now I'm saying it.

I want to reach out to him but I don't know the right words to say, I don't want to interrupt him, break the train of thought. I want to hold him but I can't. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing and if not what should I do. I want to help, sitting here watching him and trying to imagine what he is going through is so hard.

I want to reach him but I will wait, we'll do this on his terms.

need to write

I have a half formed post about families relationships and how lucky I have been with my in laws and their family. Will write it soon

perspective

Still trying to see hoe our lives are being affected this year by my father in laws death and the trouble I'm having seems to be one of perspective.

On the one hand there are significant accommodations that need to be made and changes to our daily routine and what we will do over the course of the next year in all sorts of situations. This is big.
On the other hand it seems almost tangental to my life. I watch Aa (my husband) as he is adapting and finding out what he can't do and it seems to be running in parallel to my life. Our lives that should be closely bound seem to have separated to some extent. He is going through this alone and there is only so much I can do for him, only so much I can feel.

Since he came back from the shiva he has been caring and attentive and I'm seeing parts of him that I only rarely saw before. I like it. There is a visible level of affection that used to be kept private. Long may this continue. So in some was we have been closer since he came back but I am still trying to cross this gulf and I'm not sure I can. I think I have to wait for him to come back to me.
As the year goes on the restrictions ease but I'm sure that over the course of the year there will be many issues to deal with, many reminders of what is missing.

It's just strange that something can have such an impact on your life and at the same time seem to have hardly any. I was going to say that it impacts on our lives but not my life but that isn't accurate. I'm not sure what is right but it's strange.

Now my next challenge is when to raise the idea of Aa going to the doctor to have his health checked without it being me nagging him and then to be followed by the diet and exercise that we both need.

new reality

I remember when my two grandfathers passed away within 6 months of each other being very concerned that my Grandma must live so that when I got married and had kids they would at least have one great-grandparent from my side ( I was 10 at the time).
My grandmother is still going strong and my kids know who she is and have a relationship with her.

When my sons were born  I thouhgt about what life would hold for them. I thought about a brit, going to gan, school, a bar mitzva, army, university, marriage and children. I imagined watching them growing up and always being surrounded by a warm loving family.

I never imagined there would be only one grandfather at the bar mitzva. I never imagined that it would be a grandparent missing. I had never planned for that space at the table. I never thought it would happen so soon.

It's remembering who he was. His sense of fun, his devotion, his compassion, his commitment and trying to adjust to a world without these. Accepting that there are (hopefully) many many celebrations to come that he won't be there to share with us.

Accepting the new reality.

details

He's talking here and there about the practical details of what will happen this year. He asked about this, he found out about that. Practical technical stuff.

I'm not surprised that these are the conversations and comments that he's coming out with. He is fundamentally a practical person. I tried to raise the more emotional side but he didn't want  to talk about it.  I have no problem with that, as long as he knows I'm here when he does want to talk, if he wants to talk.

Just as an aside I looked at some photos of my father in law that my sister in laws husband sent me. I asked my husband if he wanted to see them and get one printed out, he said he didn't want to look at them now. I looked at them and found it very difficult. I found it hard to comprehend that he is no longer with us, it's going to take some time for it to become a reality in my life.

 I think I understand why my husband didn't want to look at them yet.

up and down

Had a good first proper day at school today. Seem to have nice classes and they all seem keen to work and learn - hope this carries on. Hope I can sustain their interest and live up to the expectations everyone has for me. Everyone is saying that I will do a great job and this is just right for me. I appreciate the support but at times it feels like there is this huge amount of pressure to be perfect. I don't know how much is coming from me and how much is coming form others. I really hope it all works out.
So that was the up and now for the down.
Had an argument with husband this morning about how to deal with our oldest son who keeps annoying his brother at meal times. I've been dealing with this now for about 3 weeks and told him this morning that if he carried on then he will not be allowed to eat with little brother. My husband said I was overreacting and should try other things. I then got cross with my husband because I have been trying other things for a few week sand they don't seem to work. I apologised to husband and we went off to work and all was ok.

But here I am going over the exchange in my mind and replaying it and dwelling on it. I'm tired. Yes, I've just had 2 months with no school, a long summer holiday but I don't feel as if I have had a break. I haven't had the time to relax and recharge my batteries. I feel that I have spent my summer alone, which mostly I have. I can't raise this with my husband. It's not his fault and it's not what any of us wanted.
Maybe things will get easier now we are back in a routine and things have calmed down. I would love some time with my family. I would like to deal with what I went through this summer. I would like some closure. I would like to stop feeling guilty for not being there fro my husband even if he wanted me here with the kids.

Time helps things. I need to give us all time. I also need to remember that I had a really good day at work today. Maybe this year will be a good year.

Before I forget

With everything that has happened in the last two weeks there is one amazing thing that I want to remember. I have been totally overwhelmed by the support of our friends ranging from offers to look after the kids if I had gone to Scotland or even just to take them for a few hours to offers to go to the airport to collect my husband at 6am (leaving home about 5am) and just the support and friendship that I have experienced. Someone saying to me the day before my husband returned that I was looking so much better than earlier in the week, passing comments, offers of shabbat meals and expressions of sympathy from the most unexpected places.
Words can not express the gratitude I have for this nor convey my true thanks. It's times like this that you discover what a true friend is and what a community is and I'm grateful to have them.

On a slightly different note I am almost as overwhelmed by the implications of a year of mourning for our lives. The things we can and can't do the things he can and can't do. Dealing with it as reality and decisions that have to be made it seems huge. It should be but at times I feel lost and swamped by it all. I suspect it's because I have to follow what he wants and I have no say in the choices. I've never been good at giving up my freedom to choose or my independence. This is what I need to learn now.

the next day

I'm not sure what normal is. I'm not sure what I should be doing or saying. Should I be avoiding the whole subject of death and shiva and my father in law or should I be bringing it up whenever possible? We went through a huge amount and it really was a life changing event but we went through it separately, we have no shared experience here. We lived separate lives for 2 weeks and I don't know how to reach what he went through or even if he wants to share it. Should I talk about what I did or how I felt whilst he was away or do I wait for him to bring it up.
I think I have to wait, I have to let it come when he wants. I have to be patient.
Part of this is the current expression of my guilt of not being there for the shiva. I still in part feel that I let him down or that I failed somehow. When he was away I could only imagine what was going on, now he's back I see that he is "ok" but I still have this question about what is going on inside him.
Maybe this is part of my just being a girl and believing that everyone has a churning mix of emotions flying around inside them all the time and rally there is nothing to discuss.
I said to a friend that when he got back I was sure my husband would have dealt with and locked away his emotions. Our friend questioned this. Maybe he was right or maybe I was.

I need to be patient and I need to work out what I can do and that will take time. It is as someone put it "uncharted territory" and we will have to figure out our own path through it.

At least next time when we have to go through this we will have some sort of pathway through it.