Just wrote a post about problems I'm having at work and then deleted it. I liked this blog as my online diary but realised that unlike a pen and paper version. once this is written and out I can't take it back. Nor can I run the risk that despite the lack of publicity about this blog and my complete lack of followers that the person in question might one day come across what I have written.
It was not for public consumption, I was just trying to sort out some ideas in my head but I guess they will have to stay there.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
the wait
So I know I'm not pregnant this month. At least, I think I do. I don't know how much of it is trying to prepare myself for the worst and how much is be actually knowing my body, if I'm honest it's quite alot of the later.
I hate this wait. This time every month when I don't know. I hope against hope that this will be the month it happens, I search my life for possible early signs of pregnancy and then I get my period and all the hope and all all the strength that I have been building up for the last two weeks comes crashing down and I just want to cry.
This month has the added thrill of being my 3rd month on icaklomin so next month we get to try something different. Everything I have read online ( and yes I know that it's not the only or always the best source of info) is pointing at a series of injections, blood tests and scans lasting 8 - 14 days. I'm a bit scared.
I'm going to see my doctor on Sunday and he will, as ever explain things to me and give me some of the hope I need to get through the next round of whatever he has planned for me.
I just hope it works fast
I hate this wait. This time every month when I don't know. I hope against hope that this will be the month it happens, I search my life for possible early signs of pregnancy and then I get my period and all the hope and all all the strength that I have been building up for the last two weeks comes crashing down and I just want to cry.
This month has the added thrill of being my 3rd month on icaklomin so next month we get to try something different. Everything I have read online ( and yes I know that it's not the only or always the best source of info) is pointing at a series of injections, blood tests and scans lasting 8 - 14 days. I'm a bit scared.
I'm going to see my doctor on Sunday and he will, as ever explain things to me and give me some of the hope I need to get through the next round of whatever he has planned for me.
I just hope it works fast
Friday, May 6, 2011
Parting
My husband comes back tomorrow from a week abroad. He doesn't travel that much for work but I always find I miss him so much when he is away especially tis week when I was ill (a whole new level of respect for single parents).
Anyway, back to this week. Tomorrow my kids are going to jump on their dad when he gets back and will get so excited. I will sit back and watch. I will say hello and ask about his trip, moan abit about him going to NY without me and carry on. It's not a lack of feeling that will give us such an outwardly cold reunion but a religious obligation. I am in a state of niddah and will be until Saturday night until I go to the mikvah.
The greeting will not be cold just restrained, verbal not physical. There is a time and place for that and tomorrow will be neither for us. All that is being asked of us is a huge amount of self control to overcome that most basic urge that we have, the urge for physical contact, for the security that holding someone gives.
Before I married I couldn't understand what the big fuss about niddah was or why people would do it other than because they have to. I wouldn't say I enjoy it now but I have come to see it in a more positive light and appreciate some of what it gives me. The space and time alone is nice - I love sharing a bed with a husband but it's nice sometimes to have my own space, my own bed.
People say a marriage develops over time and this has. It could be that I resent it less now I have kids or maybe it's one of those things you start to do because you have to but then want to do it. I can't imagine a marriage without it now. I'm sure that on so many levels that I'm not even aware of it is good for me and good for my marriage. The parting and the returning, the welcoming each other back it to each others lives in the most intimate way possible. The control and the final release, getting to know each other again. Holding out for what seems like an unbelievably long time until we finally get back together. It always seems like forever be it a regular 13 day separation or the 6ish weeks after I have given birth. The last few days are always the hardest.
This month it will be just that bit harder because he was away this month. But that just makes the returning that bit more special.
And hopefully this will be the last month of it for a the next 9 months. Please.
Anyway, back to this week. Tomorrow my kids are going to jump on their dad when he gets back and will get so excited. I will sit back and watch. I will say hello and ask about his trip, moan abit about him going to NY without me and carry on. It's not a lack of feeling that will give us such an outwardly cold reunion but a religious obligation. I am in a state of niddah and will be until Saturday night until I go to the mikvah.
The greeting will not be cold just restrained, verbal not physical. There is a time and place for that and tomorrow will be neither for us. All that is being asked of us is a huge amount of self control to overcome that most basic urge that we have, the urge for physical contact, for the security that holding someone gives.
Before I married I couldn't understand what the big fuss about niddah was or why people would do it other than because they have to. I wouldn't say I enjoy it now but I have come to see it in a more positive light and appreciate some of what it gives me. The space and time alone is nice - I love sharing a bed with a husband but it's nice sometimes to have my own space, my own bed.
People say a marriage develops over time and this has. It could be that I resent it less now I have kids or maybe it's one of those things you start to do because you have to but then want to do it. I can't imagine a marriage without it now. I'm sure that on so many levels that I'm not even aware of it is good for me and good for my marriage. The parting and the returning, the welcoming each other back it to each others lives in the most intimate way possible. The control and the final release, getting to know each other again. Holding out for what seems like an unbelievably long time until we finally get back together. It always seems like forever be it a regular 13 day separation or the 6ish weeks after I have given birth. The last few days are always the hardest.
This month it will be just that bit harder because he was away this month. But that just makes the returning that bit more special.
And hopefully this will be the last month of it for a the next 9 months. Please.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Hamas and Fatah
Hamas and Fatah have reached an agreement to join forces and work together, hold elections and all the other things that people say at this type of deal.
Israel said it would not negotiate with Hamas who are still dedicated to their destruction and for this people will no doubt disapprove of Israel and tell us we are the obstacle to peace and we should make even more concessions to get the peace talks started again.
Today Hamas condem America for killing "the holy arab warrior"
I think we can all agree that Bin Laden was a terrorist with little regard for human life both Muslim and other.These are the people the world wants us to make peace with. I would like to suggest to America that they now sit down with Al-Qaeda and negotiate a peace settlement, after all thats what they want us to do.
Israel said it would not negotiate with Hamas who are still dedicated to their destruction and for this people will no doubt disapprove of Israel and tell us we are the obstacle to peace and we should make even more concessions to get the peace talks started again.
Today Hamas condem America for killing "the holy arab warrior"
I think we can all agree that Bin Laden was a terrorist with little regard for human life both Muslim and other.These are the people the world wants us to make peace with. I would like to suggest to America that they now sit down with Al-Qaeda and negotiate a peace settlement, after all thats what they want us to do.
Osama
So they killed Bin Laden and around the world it is being hailed as a great moment for "The War on Terrorism". After 10 years and millions of pounds and too many lives lost they have finally got him and if anyone thinks it will make the slightest difference they are, I believe wrong.
Osama Bin Laden had become a figurehead. I'm sure he was involved in many things but he is seen now as a symbol. The US has today cut off one head from the monster in the fight against terror but in it's place will rise many more each vying for the top spot. This might give us lots in infighting and everyone being to busy killing the other factions to fight us but I doubt it. I think every potential leader will be trying to prove he is the best by staging more and more extreme acts of terrorism and with the bar set at the September 11th attacks I think we are all in for a very uncertain period.
It makes very little difference how many terrorist leaders you kill, until you change the society that worships violence and applauds killing as a means to achieve a goal you will not destroy terror. Until people are given the choice to have an education, to develop their lives how they see fit, contribute to society and receive support and benefits from the same society terrorism will always exist.
The other striking image of the day was the "partying" after the announcement. Grow up. A man was killed and thats not something to celebrate, acknowledge and move on. The parting in the street was driven by the same urge as the celebrations we saw in Gaza after the Itamar massacre adjusted for the society. My terrorist is your freedom fighter and we do not celebrate death.
I read or heard a quote today that "justice has been served". I disagree, justice was not served. There was no court, no trial, no lawyers, no jury. There was no justice, just a bullet. I realise that they would rather have taken him alive and gone to trial but circumstances forced the events. Maybe it's better this way. No-one is spending a fortune on incarceration and trail costs and we don't have to sit through the media circus it would become when we all know that the result would be the death sentence. There is a plus to not having a trial but it does not mean that justice has been served.
So yes, I congratulate the US armed forces for this significant breakthrough but lets not think we are done.
We have barely started.
Osama Bin Laden had become a figurehead. I'm sure he was involved in many things but he is seen now as a symbol. The US has today cut off one head from the monster in the fight against terror but in it's place will rise many more each vying for the top spot. This might give us lots in infighting and everyone being to busy killing the other factions to fight us but I doubt it. I think every potential leader will be trying to prove he is the best by staging more and more extreme acts of terrorism and with the bar set at the September 11th attacks I think we are all in for a very uncertain period.
It makes very little difference how many terrorist leaders you kill, until you change the society that worships violence and applauds killing as a means to achieve a goal you will not destroy terror. Until people are given the choice to have an education, to develop their lives how they see fit, contribute to society and receive support and benefits from the same society terrorism will always exist.
The other striking image of the day was the "partying" after the announcement. Grow up. A man was killed and thats not something to celebrate, acknowledge and move on. The parting in the street was driven by the same urge as the celebrations we saw in Gaza after the Itamar massacre adjusted for the society. My terrorist is your freedom fighter and we do not celebrate death.
I read or heard a quote today that "justice has been served". I disagree, justice was not served. There was no court, no trial, no lawyers, no jury. There was no justice, just a bullet. I realise that they would rather have taken him alive and gone to trial but circumstances forced the events. Maybe it's better this way. No-one is spending a fortune on incarceration and trail costs and we don't have to sit through the media circus it would become when we all know that the result would be the death sentence. There is a plus to not having a trial but it does not mean that justice has been served.
So yes, I congratulate the US armed forces for this significant breakthrough but lets not think we are done.
We have barely started.
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