oh what a crappy day

So this period has been soooo screwed up. It started on time but was hardly there and wasn't doing anything as it usually does after the first few hours. I spent ages looking up implantation bleeding and what that would look like even though I have known since before  I went to the mikva last month that I would not get pregnant this month. I ovulated just before going according to my cervical mucus. After 2 days of unsure period I did a HPT, if  I looked really hard I think I could see a very very pale line, not enough to assume I was pregnant but enough for a glimmer of hope and the decision to retest on Friday. I went out and bought an HPT in preparation and two hours later my period comes on full force. At least I know that the hormone drugs I was taking did no harm to any unborn child.  

Oh yeah, and the period came with full on cramps.

So things were not going well. When I arrived home with husband we had some strange argument about a mis-understanding over the phone when it came to me describing the cupboard I had bought to go under the bathroom sink. I think maybe we were both just not in such good moods.

But being in a bad mood and cross with husband it reminded me of the other things that have made me cross with him recently the most significant was the whole birthday / anniversary thing. Every year for his birthday and our anniversary I make an effort to go out and find something that I hope he will really like. It isn't always expensive but I would feel awful if on these two events in the year  I missed the opportunity to let him know how much I love and appreciate him (I just hope he gets it). This year my birthday came and went and despite the fact that he had loads of opportunities to find me a present there was none but as he was going to the states two weeks later he said he would get me something there. I  had no problem with this until he came home from the states with a "sights of New York" mug. It's not even as if I have hot drinks that often!!!!!!!! I stupidly thought that there was an actual birthday present coming but as time when on and nothing materialised I realised that this was what he had got me.
I then thought maybe he's going to get me a nice anniversary present. Not even a card.
I know this makes me sound horrible and materialistic. It's not that, I just grew up in a family where these things mattered, where my parents took the time to do these things for each other, where time was made for each other and value was placed on this.

So the other big annoyance of late. Husband had to go for a sperm test to make sure it was not down to him that we are having problems. Results came back and everything was fine with him. I went to the doctor with the results and he confirmed this and gave me some extra drugs to take this month ( can't wait for those injections to start!!!!!!). When I got home I told husband that dr. said he was fine or possibly a little above average. To which my husbands response was something along the lines of being able to tell this from his ego and something else I can't remember. I responded with some vague comment about being glad his ego was doing so well and ignored the feeling inside. His ego was fine but mine was far from it. It is my body that is not working or doing what it should. We seem to be heading towards that great black hole of unexplained infertility. I don't think we have enough sex around when I ovulate and I'm scared it's going to end up as baby-making sex not sex for fun but that is a whole other post for some time when I'm not so fed up with everything.

I'm praying for this month to work. I'm praying to get pregnant.

waiting

It's 3am and I should be asleep. I was really tired earlier but somehow I got in to bed and woke up. My period is due in the next 24hours. My stress levels are astronomical. I Have a pregnancy test upstairs but I don't want to use it. I'm sure I'm not pregnant and if I do the test then it will just confirm it early and I will know 100% that I have a period coming instead of my current 99.99% certainty and paranoia that I am about to start leaking blood.  It's just a waste of money me using it so I don't, I just sit here and get quietly stressed about it and know that tomorrow in addition to the almost certain period I will also be very tired - I will not be so much fun to be around tomorrow.

To early to risk a pregnancy test if my period does not come but well into the high stress time.

It's just not fair. Why does this happen to me? Why can't I just get pregnant like any normal woman. Whats the big idea about making me go through this every month. I seem to be surrounded by pregnant women and little babies. I can die a hundred times a day when I see the pregnant women walking around or I hear of another person expecting. I'm sure their lives aren't as wonderful as they seem from the outside but I'd just like a break for once.. 18 months of failure. 18 months of hoping and praying. 18 months of private tears and dashed hopes. At times I feel so alone that I just want to give up and not have to think about getting prgnant ever again but the part of me that wants more kids always wins out in the end and sets me up fro the monthly emotional roller coaster that is me reproductive life.

I guess now I take a deep breath and plunge in to the next couple of days with that microscopic hope that I'm ranting for nothing and maybe this month has happened. I have to keep that hope alive or I would simply give up. I picture it as a tiny flame taht I will at all costs shelter from the wind and keep burning eve though it gives off no light or heat I have to keep it burning..

life can suck

Last night my sister called and told me she is pregnant (due end of Jan). I really am very happy for her but when she told me part of me just collapsed inside. I have been trying for 18 months, from just before when she had her last kid. 18 months of praying and hoping that this month will be the one. Months of drugs and test and more tests and more failure. Month after month on an incredibly regular schedule I get that bright red sign of failure. Of my body not doing what it should do, what everyone else seems to do so easily.
WHY CAN'T I GET PREGNANT???????????????

I know that I have 2 wonderful kids and I love them more than I could ever have imagined but I want more kids.  I know I have things alot better than many other people but this isn't about other people - it's about me and my body and my life.

After she told me I was upset, then I felt guilty about being upset, then I felt even worse because I couldn't truly celebrate her good news. I just wonder if it will happen for me again?

I wish my sister all the best with number 3 and  I hope I can deal with it without letting her know about the hell I'm going through.

Bliss

Just so I remember today. I'm sitting on my balcony with a stunning view of the area, the birds are singing, the sky is blue. I have a great shady spot and the is a gentle breeze blowing.

Life is great.