So this period has been soooo screwed up. It started on time but was hardly there and wasn't doing anything as it usually does after the first few hours. I spent ages looking up implantation bleeding and what that would look like even though I have known since before I went to the mikva last month that I would not get pregnant this month. I ovulated just before going according to my cervical mucus. After 2 days of unsure period I did a HPT, if I looked really hard I think I could see a very very pale line, not enough to assume I was pregnant but enough for a glimmer of hope and the decision to retest on Friday. I went out and bought an HPT in preparation and two hours later my period comes on full force. At least I know that the hormone drugs I was taking did no harm to any unborn child.
Oh yeah, and the period came with full on cramps.
So things were not going well. When I arrived home with husband we had some strange argument about a mis-understanding over the phone when it came to me describing the cupboard I had bought to go under the bathroom sink. I think maybe we were both just not in such good moods.
But being in a bad mood and cross with husband it reminded me of the other things that have made me cross with him recently the most significant was the whole birthday / anniversary thing. Every year for his birthday and our anniversary I make an effort to go out and find something that I hope he will really like. It isn't always expensive but I would feel awful if on these two events in the year I missed the opportunity to let him know how much I love and appreciate him (I just hope he gets it). This year my birthday came and went and despite the fact that he had loads of opportunities to find me a present there was none but as he was going to the states two weeks later he said he would get me something there. I had no problem with this until he came home from the states with a "sights of New York" mug. It's not even as if I have hot drinks that often!!!!!!!! I stupidly thought that there was an actual birthday present coming but as time when on and nothing materialised I realised that this was what he had got me.
I then thought maybe he's going to get me a nice anniversary present. Not even a card.
I know this makes me sound horrible and materialistic. It's not that, I just grew up in a family where these things mattered, where my parents took the time to do these things for each other, where time was made for each other and value was placed on this.
So the other big annoyance of late. Husband had to go for a sperm test to make sure it was not down to him that we are having problems. Results came back and everything was fine with him. I went to the doctor with the results and he confirmed this and gave me some extra drugs to take this month ( can't wait for those injections to start!!!!!!). When I got home I told husband that dr. said he was fine or possibly a little above average. To which my husbands response was something along the lines of being able to tell this from his ego and something else I can't remember. I responded with some vague comment about being glad his ego was doing so well and ignored the feeling inside. His ego was fine but mine was far from it. It is my body that is not working or doing what it should. We seem to be heading towards that great black hole of unexplained infertility. I don't think we have enough sex around when I ovulate and I'm scared it's going to end up as baby-making sex not sex for fun but that is a whole other post for some time when I'm not so fed up with everything.
I'm praying for this month to work. I'm praying to get pregnant.
No comments:
Post a Comment