He came home this morning. I now know how tense I have been for the last 2 weeks because today I relaxed. I took the kids out in the morning so he could sleep and it was calm and relaxed, we came home and they played and argued but I could deal with the fighting.
He sat here unpacking his suitcase with our oldest and I could hardly stop looking at him and smiling. Until now I never thought of him as my other half; he was my husband. This past couple of weeks I have realised how much we are a part of each other. I've felt like something is missing and now that he is back there is a completeness that I never noticed until I didn't have it.
I'm so glad to have him back.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
well that didn't go as planned
Just had a crappy conversation with husband. We talked about our oldest doing a judo chug this year. Our son has been talking nonstop about this since the catalogue arrived a few days ago adn we were all set to sign him up and now my husband is starting to ask questions about if this is the right thing for him and should we be doing it this way and does he know what judo is. He left it as I don't want to talk about this over the phone.
We then moved on to our youngest who went to the doctor today for her to look at his ears. She recommended putting in gromits and said she can probably do it in the next month to month and a half. I was fine with this until I was relaying a conversation I had with my sister about it earlier where she basically had a go at me for going with this option and not having a second opinion or looking at other things. When I told my husband he also had a go at me for not looking at other options and said maybe we should do other things but he wasn't going to talk about it over the phone. My whole family has been telling me for ages to sort his ears out and when I finally do all I get is everyone telling me that I should have done something else and I'm not doing the best I can for my son.
Either I am making decisions or I'm not. For the last 2 weeks I've had to find it in me to carry on despite everything and yes I'm making choices. I understand my husband wants to be involved and should be but if a choice has to be made then I will make it. Does our son know what judo is?: I don't know but I know he's excited about it. Is there an option other than grommits? I don't know - I'm not a doctor.
Do I need the support of my husband and his confidence in me? of course I do. And yes I know that he is just looking out for what is best for our kids and he is beginning to re-engage in the rest of his life but tonight just crushed me. Maybe it's my hormones ( back on the injections again - estimated chance of success this month 0%, don't even know if we will be having any sex) or maybe it's me beginning to see that soon I will have my husband back and needing to let off some of the tension that's been building up for the last couple of weeks.
I think I'm coping and things are going as well as they can and then something happens and I'm back writing my blog with tears streaming down my face (something that seems to have become quite common recently).
I don't know what I need but I'd like it now please.
We then moved on to our youngest who went to the doctor today for her to look at his ears. She recommended putting in gromits and said she can probably do it in the next month to month and a half. I was fine with this until I was relaying a conversation I had with my sister about it earlier where she basically had a go at me for going with this option and not having a second opinion or looking at other things. When I told my husband he also had a go at me for not looking at other options and said maybe we should do other things but he wasn't going to talk about it over the phone. My whole family has been telling me for ages to sort his ears out and when I finally do all I get is everyone telling me that I should have done something else and I'm not doing the best I can for my son.
Either I am making decisions or I'm not. For the last 2 weeks I've had to find it in me to carry on despite everything and yes I'm making choices. I understand my husband wants to be involved and should be but if a choice has to be made then I will make it. Does our son know what judo is?: I don't know but I know he's excited about it. Is there an option other than grommits? I don't know - I'm not a doctor.
Do I need the support of my husband and his confidence in me? of course I do. And yes I know that he is just looking out for what is best for our kids and he is beginning to re-engage in the rest of his life but tonight just crushed me. Maybe it's my hormones ( back on the injections again - estimated chance of success this month 0%, don't even know if we will be having any sex) or maybe it's me beginning to see that soon I will have my husband back and needing to let off some of the tension that's been building up for the last couple of weeks.
I think I'm coping and things are going as well as they can and then something happens and I'm back writing my blog with tears streaming down my face (something that seems to have become quite common recently).
I don't know what I need but I'd like it now please.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
listening
I don't expect him to talk. I don't expect him to relive what he's been going through for the past 2 weeks. I don't expect to hear about how he felt and what the shiva was like.
I want him to talk.
I don't know when and how it will come out
I don't expect it.
But I hope he knows I'm there to listen when he needs it.
I hope he knows that I'm trying not to push him.
I hope he knows how much I love him.
I hope he knows that I'm always here and that I want to help.
He gets to choose.
I get to wait.
I want him to talk.
I don't know when and how it will come out
I don't expect it.
But I hope he knows I'm there to listen when he needs it.
I hope he knows that I'm trying not to push him.
I hope he knows how much I love him.
I hope he knows that I'm always here and that I want to help.
He gets to choose.
I get to wait.
no news.....
As they say, no news is good news. I've got nothing rally to say today. Had a normal day doing bits and pieces and going over to a friend ( allegedly for the kids to play but really for me to talk to the adults) and went to the park. Kids were mostly ok today and they are now in bed sleeping ( I think / hope).
Yes I still desperately miss my husband, I'm still worried about him and am counting the days until he gets back but today was good, normal. It feels like the first normal day I've had in ages. I still can't quite believe what I've been through in the last 10 days or so, it feels like a lifetime but today felt normal. For that fact alone I am happy (also not a word I've used much in the last 10 days).
Things have calmed down. That's not to say it won't flare up again and again but for now I feel I can face what is coming.
Yes I still desperately miss my husband, I'm still worried about him and am counting the days until he gets back but today was good, normal. It feels like the first normal day I've had in ages. I still can't quite believe what I've been through in the last 10 days or so, it feels like a lifetime but today felt normal. For that fact alone I am happy (also not a word I've used much in the last 10 days).
Things have calmed down. That's not to say it won't flare up again and again but for now I feel I can face what is coming.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
it's getting better
Had a good day today with the boys, my sister and her kids. We all had fun and eventually the kids went to bed. I feel my conversations with my husband are a bit more normal than they have been. Of course I'm still worried about him but as I hear his voice more and talk a bit I am slightly reassured.
But despite this it is only now beginning to dawn on me the enormity of what has happened. It is only now that I am very slightly less concerned about my husband that I can begin to think about my father in law and what some of the implications of his death are for all his family.
Psychologists talk about the 5 stages of grieving. I'm not sure what I've been going through for the past 10 days or so but I seem to be coming to some sort of calmer acceptance, a state in which I can think about what has happened and begin to process it. The death came as such a shock to all of us and whilst he immediate family had, as they should have, the time they needed to assimilate the events I had 2 boys to look after and entertain. It's taken a long time but I defiantly feel better than I did.
I remember once having a discussion with my brother in law about extending the circle of people who can sit shiva following a death. I said at the time that I was against extending it, friends should not be included nor extended family. I was in favour of leaving things as they are.
I still am.
I did not want to sit shiva for my father in law. I feel it would be insulting to those who were sitting to claim my that my lose was anywhere near theirs. Throughout the past 10 days I have felt that my role should have been one of support. At one step remove from the situation my role should have been to help and yes, also to take some time for my own feelings.
The mourning process is going to impact on our lives for the next year at least. Our lives may not be as we want them and we will all have to make changes. It should be so, life is different now.
In a conversation I had with a friend last week I was discussing what impact his would have on my husband. the friend said "I hope when he gets back he'll be the same person" To which my instant response was, "Of course he won't. His father has just died". It wasn't a planned response or something I had thought about before but in that moment of clarity it suddenly seemed to hit us what was going on. We suddenly had to deal with a new reality.
We've got a tough year ahead of us but it will get better. ( who knows.....I might even manage to get pregnant!!! - if that's not hoping for too much)
But despite this it is only now beginning to dawn on me the enormity of what has happened. It is only now that I am very slightly less concerned about my husband that I can begin to think about my father in law and what some of the implications of his death are for all his family.
Psychologists talk about the 5 stages of grieving. I'm not sure what I've been going through for the past 10 days or so but I seem to be coming to some sort of calmer acceptance, a state in which I can think about what has happened and begin to process it. The death came as such a shock to all of us and whilst he immediate family had, as they should have, the time they needed to assimilate the events I had 2 boys to look after and entertain. It's taken a long time but I defiantly feel better than I did.
I remember once having a discussion with my brother in law about extending the circle of people who can sit shiva following a death. I said at the time that I was against extending it, friends should not be included nor extended family. I was in favour of leaving things as they are.
I still am.
I did not want to sit shiva for my father in law. I feel it would be insulting to those who were sitting to claim my that my lose was anywhere near theirs. Throughout the past 10 days I have felt that my role should have been one of support. At one step remove from the situation my role should have been to help and yes, also to take some time for my own feelings.
The mourning process is going to impact on our lives for the next year at least. Our lives may not be as we want them and we will all have to make changes. It should be so, life is different now.
In a conversation I had with a friend last week I was discussing what impact his would have on my husband. the friend said "I hope when he gets back he'll be the same person" To which my instant response was, "Of course he won't. His father has just died". It wasn't a planned response or something I had thought about before but in that moment of clarity it suddenly seemed to hit us what was going on. We suddenly had to deal with a new reality.
We've got a tough year ahead of us but it will get better. ( who knows.....I might even manage to get pregnant!!! - if that's not hoping for too much)
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
oops
yes, last post was a bit of a disaster. Yes I was feeling that bad but I am feeling better and life is generally looking up. I need to get more sleep and I need to start actually eating real food not just snacking on this and that (made a pot of soup last night so that should help). I need to calm down and trust that my husband really is "ok" and that he will be back soon.
I will get through this and things get better
I will get through this and things get better
I can't do it
I'm losing it with the kids, I'm not getting enough sleep, I don't have enough patience for the boys, I don't kn ow how much longer I can keep all this in.
Ok, I know that I will basically be fine until whenever it is he gets back but right know it just seems so hard.
I was going to write about a decision I made so here it is.
Before he went back to the UK, I said to him that they shouldn't all return together to try and make it a bit easier for his mum. It was absolutely the right thing to say and do and I am glad I said it then because I don't know if I would have the strength to say it now. I know none of this can be about me but I also know that I want him on the next plane back to Israel. I have spoken to people who have been there and seen him, everyone says he is ok for what he has gone through but however many times I hear it I can't fully believe it. He has a lifetime practice of hiding his emotions and whilst I don't know if he has the strength to do that now it wouldn't surprise me if to some extent he was. I don't know that he will ever open up to me about how he has felt this week and what he has gone through but I know it won't happen over the phone and I'd like to think it will happen one day.
Who knows, maybe one day I'll even tell him what I've been going through this week.
Ok, I know that I will basically be fine until whenever it is he gets back but right know it just seems so hard.
I was going to write about a decision I made so here it is.
Before he went back to the UK, I said to him that they shouldn't all return together to try and make it a bit easier for his mum. It was absolutely the right thing to say and do and I am glad I said it then because I don't know if I would have the strength to say it now. I know none of this can be about me but I also know that I want him on the next plane back to Israel. I have spoken to people who have been there and seen him, everyone says he is ok for what he has gone through but however many times I hear it I can't fully believe it. He has a lifetime practice of hiding his emotions and whilst I don't know if he has the strength to do that now it wouldn't surprise me if to some extent he was. I don't know that he will ever open up to me about how he has felt this week and what he has gone through but I know it won't happen over the phone and I'd like to think it will happen one day.
Who knows, maybe one day I'll even tell him what I've been going through this week.
it's been a week
It's been the longest hardest week of my life.
If you had told me last week that I would spend a week at home with my boys whilst my husband was abroad sitting shiva for his father I would never have believed you. If anyone had said I would go on holiday with my boys whilst he was sitting shiva I would have thought you were out of your mind. If anyone had told me about the number of tears I would shed in a week, the distances I would drive with my eyes filling with tears, the guilt, the pain, the longing to be with my husband I would never have believed that I could have all of that going on inside and still somehow function and hopefully give our sons a good summer, but it seems that I have got through this week.
I feel that this week I have failed in most things. I haven't been the mother my kids needed all the time and I haven't been able to be there for my husband. There was no right choice for this week and I will have to live with the choices I made.
The strongest emotional feeling I have left at the moment is defiantly the feeling of not being there for my husband, I almost feel I'm being ripped apart inside. The depth of this is something I've never felt before. Not knowing what he is really feeling and not being able to just sit with him. He's never the best at long phone conversations and this week was obviously never going to be a good one for talking on the phone, it's to easy to disguise what you really want on the phone - was that the quivery voice of crying caught before it came out or just a crackle on the line? I know I've tried hiding it plenty of times and I'm not sure how well I've done it. I know that the few times I have let it out on the phone to him I've felt bad that I'm giving him my pain when he has enough of his own. I told him tonight that I just want to hug him. I desperately want to hold him and let him know that I'm there and will be. But I'm terrified that when I get to see him, whenever that is that I'm just going to collapse and that's the last thing I feel I can do or should do to him now.
Yes I am grieving for my father in law but the tears I am shedding are for my husband and for his shattered world.
If you had told me last week that I would spend a week at home with my boys whilst my husband was abroad sitting shiva for his father I would never have believed you. If anyone had said I would go on holiday with my boys whilst he was sitting shiva I would have thought you were out of your mind. If anyone had told me about the number of tears I would shed in a week, the distances I would drive with my eyes filling with tears, the guilt, the pain, the longing to be with my husband I would never have believed that I could have all of that going on inside and still somehow function and hopefully give our sons a good summer, but it seems that I have got through this week.
I feel that this week I have failed in most things. I haven't been the mother my kids needed all the time and I haven't been able to be there for my husband. There was no right choice for this week and I will have to live with the choices I made.
The strongest emotional feeling I have left at the moment is defiantly the feeling of not being there for my husband, I almost feel I'm being ripped apart inside. The depth of this is something I've never felt before. Not knowing what he is really feeling and not being able to just sit with him. He's never the best at long phone conversations and this week was obviously never going to be a good one for talking on the phone, it's to easy to disguise what you really want on the phone - was that the quivery voice of crying caught before it came out or just a crackle on the line? I know I've tried hiding it plenty of times and I'm not sure how well I've done it. I know that the few times I have let it out on the phone to him I've felt bad that I'm giving him my pain when he has enough of his own. I told him tonight that I just want to hug him. I desperately want to hold him and let him know that I'm there and will be. But I'm terrified that when I get to see him, whenever that is that I'm just going to collapse and that's the last thing I feel I can do or should do to him now.
Yes I am grieving for my father in law but the tears I am shedding are for my husband and for his shattered world.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
?
Just saw my husband on skype (kids spoke to him, I as expected didn't get much in). I should feel better, I saw him, he looks ok, he sounds ok but I'm left with this deep sinking feeling of missing him more than ever.
Glad the boys saw their dad and had fun being silly with him. Counting the days until I get to be with him.
Glad the boys saw their dad and had fun being silly with him. Counting the days until I get to be with him.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
holidays I don't want
I'm trying to pack and I'm rubbish at it. Doesn't help that I don't really want to take my boys camping tomorrow without their dad. I have a plan and I'm sure we will have fun but my heart is not in it. The things we do for our kids.......
Saturday, August 20, 2011
dilemas and lonliness
Just finished shabbat, had good meals with great company but I have never felt more alone over a shabbat. As Kiddush was made last night I was thinking of my husband - was he making kiddush in his parents house? In shul this morning I thought of him going to shul alone. At every mealtime I was thinking of what he was going through and just not knowing is so hard.
I'm lonely. I am surrounded by people but I'm lonely. I have never missed him this much before in my life. I feel that at least for a short time I have lost him. It's not like when he is away on business, it's that I feel I can't reach him most of the time. Before he went away I told him to stay beyond his sisters staying so that his mum would have company for a bit longer. I can't ask him to come back before he is ready but I desperately need to see him. The few short hours I saw him after we knew but before he left seem like a lifetime ago. I need to see him. I need to hold him. I need to know that he is coping. I'm scared that he is going to bottle everything up and that it will just build up inside him forever. I need to know if he is letting himself grieve. I need to see that he is ok.
One thing I have discovered is quite how much I love him. It come sometimes just be a phrase when we say "I love you" to someone but this week I have realised how much I truly love him, how much I need his help and support, how much I get from him with out ever realising it, how much he gives me, the strength I get from always knowing that he will be there for be. It's just a shame that we take these things for granted do often and don't always appreciate what we have. Loving someone means being there for everything, I love him with all my soul but I'm still not sure that I've done the best thing for him this week but I have to believe that I have.
That all sounds very self centered, He's just lost his father and who am I to tell him what to do and when to do it. I know that for the next year at least that I have to follow his cues as to what he wants, needs and can do (in both an emotional and religious sense) but somewhere I also need to grieve. I also need the closure.Our boys need to see their dad. I need him like I have never needed him before but I know I can't ask him for anything. I'm counting the days to an unknown return date and it just seems to reach out in to an eternal future.
I need him back and I know my needs right now come a definite second to his and his mum's but I still have those needs even if I'm having to keep them inside.
I'm lonely. I am surrounded by people but I'm lonely. I have never missed him this much before in my life. I feel that at least for a short time I have lost him. It's not like when he is away on business, it's that I feel I can't reach him most of the time. Before he went away I told him to stay beyond his sisters staying so that his mum would have company for a bit longer. I can't ask him to come back before he is ready but I desperately need to see him. The few short hours I saw him after we knew but before he left seem like a lifetime ago. I need to see him. I need to hold him. I need to know that he is coping. I'm scared that he is going to bottle everything up and that it will just build up inside him forever. I need to know if he is letting himself grieve. I need to see that he is ok.
One thing I have discovered is quite how much I love him. It come sometimes just be a phrase when we say "I love you" to someone but this week I have realised how much I truly love him, how much I need his help and support, how much I get from him with out ever realising it, how much he gives me, the strength I get from always knowing that he will be there for be. It's just a shame that we take these things for granted do often and don't always appreciate what we have. Loving someone means being there for everything, I love him with all my soul but I'm still not sure that I've done the best thing for him this week but I have to believe that I have.
That all sounds very self centered, He's just lost his father and who am I to tell him what to do and when to do it. I know that for the next year at least that I have to follow his cues as to what he wants, needs and can do (in both an emotional and religious sense) but somewhere I also need to grieve. I also need the closure.Our boys need to see their dad. I need him like I have never needed him before but I know I can't ask him for anything. I'm counting the days to an unknown return date and it just seems to reach out in to an eternal future.
I need him back and I know my needs right now come a definite second to his and his mum's but I still have those needs even if I'm having to keep them inside.
Friday, August 19, 2011
The Mountain
I wake up in the morning and for about 3 seconds everything is normal, then I remember that nothing is normal. It's like each day I have a mountain to climb and I don't know how to even begin it. A day to fill with amusing 2 boys, keeping the house in some sort of order, just the every day things and I don't know how to manage it.
but then however many hours later the day has been filled and I have somehow climbed the mountain and tomorrow maybe the mountain will be smaller or I'll have more energy or the path will be clearer.
It get easier and it gets better it's just that patience has never been one of my strong points
but then however many hours later the day has been filled and I have somehow climbed the mountain and tomorrow maybe the mountain will be smaller or I'll have more energy or the path will be clearer.
It get easier and it gets better it's just that patience has never been one of my strong points
Thursday, August 18, 2011
and then..........
just to cap my crapy crappy week.....got my period tonight.
If you want the positive, if I was with my husband now I wouldn't even be able to hug him or hold his hand and I will hopefully go to the mikve the night he flies home and be ready for him when he arrives
was really hoping this month it would happen.
If you want the positive, if I was with my husband now I wouldn't even be able to hug him or hold his hand and I will hopefully go to the mikve the night he flies home and be ready for him when he arrives
was really hoping this month it would happen.
and so the world goes on.....
I'm still crying at random points during the day. My voice still shakes when I talk to people about it. The feeling of loss is unlike anything I have felt before. I feel alone and isolated. I need someone to comfort me but I also know that time moves on.
When I posted on facebook there was a flood of replies all expressing sympathy and support for which I will be eternally grateful. I'm getting phonecalls with offers of help; what can we do? do you need us to take the boys? do you need anything? how are you? The support is amazing. Our friends are amazing.
but time moves on....
People have their own lives to lead. Part of me can't quite understand how the rest of the world is carrying on, don't they realise someone ?!? How can they just carry on as if things are the same? It's strange but the only other times I have felt this was when my kids were born. How could the world carry on as normal, I've had a baby! There is a new person here, the world has changed but you are all carrying on as normal. Whats wrong with you??? When my first kid was born the country was in the middle of a war but for the 3 days I was in hospital I forgot about it. When I came home I was almost shocked to hear that it was still going on.
All of which gets me back to where I sort of started. My world is missing something huge right now, how much of it is my father-in-law and how much is my husband I will never know. I'm having trouble understanding how the world is moving on when I'm having great difficulty seeing what is going to happen. I'm still taking the kids out and giving them a summer but my heart is not in it. Next week I'm taking them camping - I have never wanted to go away less in my whole life. The thought of finding the emotional energy to do it is a daunting task. The empty seat in the car next to me is a constant reminder (not that I was going to forget) of where I want to be and who I want to be with right now.
But tomorrow will be easier than today just as today was easier than yesterday and from somewhere the strength will come because even though we don't understand how or why time moves on and takes us with it. We don't want to deal with the problems life gives us. We want to stay safe even if that means staying safe in the most terrible circumstances because as humans we have amazing abilities. To be alive means to move with time, to deal with our constantly changing world, to be there for other people in good times and bad. Worlds change everyday and it is our ongoing battle to deal with that, we grow we change, we develop.
We live.
When I posted on facebook there was a flood of replies all expressing sympathy and support for which I will be eternally grateful. I'm getting phonecalls with offers of help; what can we do? do you need us to take the boys? do you need anything? how are you? The support is amazing. Our friends are amazing.
but time moves on....
People have their own lives to lead. Part of me can't quite understand how the rest of the world is carrying on, don't they realise someone ?!? How can they just carry on as if things are the same? It's strange but the only other times I have felt this was when my kids were born. How could the world carry on as normal, I've had a baby! There is a new person here, the world has changed but you are all carrying on as normal. Whats wrong with you??? When my first kid was born the country was in the middle of a war but for the 3 days I was in hospital I forgot about it. When I came home I was almost shocked to hear that it was still going on.
All of which gets me back to where I sort of started. My world is missing something huge right now, how much of it is my father-in-law and how much is my husband I will never know. I'm having trouble understanding how the world is moving on when I'm having great difficulty seeing what is going to happen. I'm still taking the kids out and giving them a summer but my heart is not in it. Next week I'm taking them camping - I have never wanted to go away less in my whole life. The thought of finding the emotional energy to do it is a daunting task. The empty seat in the car next to me is a constant reminder (not that I was going to forget) of where I want to be and who I want to be with right now.
But tomorrow will be easier than today just as today was easier than yesterday and from somewhere the strength will come because even though we don't understand how or why time moves on and takes us with it. We don't want to deal with the problems life gives us. We want to stay safe even if that means staying safe in the most terrible circumstances because as humans we have amazing abilities. To be alive means to move with time, to deal with our constantly changing world, to be there for other people in good times and bad. Worlds change everyday and it is our ongoing battle to deal with that, we grow we change, we develop.
We live.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I just don't have the words
Last night I found out that my father in law passed away. It was sudden and unexpected, he had a heart attack in bed and when no-one had heard from him for a few days or managed to get in touch with him some friends went over and broke in where they found his body in bed.
I don't have the words to say how I feel. I don't know if this is still shock or just that I can't equate the thought of celebrating his 60th birthday a few weeks ago with the fact that he has just been buried.
That he's never going to be there to give me a hug when we meet, that his fun and enthusiasm will no longer be a part of our lives, with his passion and commitment to the things and people that he loved, that he would always go the extra mile to help someone in need and not even think about it. That those who were lucky enough to know him and love him got so much back from the relationship with him.
I'm sitting here at home desperately torn about what to do. I need to be with him for him and for me. The thought of him having to go through this alone is tearing me apart. I got a text from my mum awhile ago saying they were on their way to the funeral. It should of been me in the car with him, not my parents. I should be there with him not stuck here away from him, not even able to sit with him. How am I meant to know what to do? am I going to regret not going ? should I just be on the next plane or should I be here with the kids?
Just spoke to a good friend of ours in London, allowed myself to cry when I asked him if I had made the right choice and as he said, there is no right choice.I feel helpless here but don't know if I would feel any more useful there. I'm worried that he will bottle everything up and feel he has to hold it all together for the rest of the family. I'm just worried about him. I can't even begin to imagine the hell he is going through at he moment, saying kaddish for the first time, putting the soil on to his fathers coffin, knowing that he will never be able to just pick up the phone and speak to him again. The huge hole that now exists in all our lives.
May his memory be a blessing to us all.
I don't have the words to say how I feel. I don't know if this is still shock or just that I can't equate the thought of celebrating his 60th birthday a few weeks ago with the fact that he has just been buried.
That he's never going to be there to give me a hug when we meet, that his fun and enthusiasm will no longer be a part of our lives, with his passion and commitment to the things and people that he loved, that he would always go the extra mile to help someone in need and not even think about it. That those who were lucky enough to know him and love him got so much back from the relationship with him.
I'm sitting here at home desperately torn about what to do. I need to be with him for him and for me. The thought of him having to go through this alone is tearing me apart. I got a text from my mum awhile ago saying they were on their way to the funeral. It should of been me in the car with him, not my parents. I should be there with him not stuck here away from him, not even able to sit with him. How am I meant to know what to do? am I going to regret not going ? should I just be on the next plane or should I be here with the kids?
Just spoke to a good friend of ours in London, allowed myself to cry when I asked him if I had made the right choice and as he said, there is no right choice.I feel helpless here but don't know if I would feel any more useful there. I'm worried that he will bottle everything up and feel he has to hold it all together for the rest of the family. I'm just worried about him. I can't even begin to imagine the hell he is going through at he moment, saying kaddish for the first time, putting the soil on to his fathers coffin, knowing that he will never be able to just pick up the phone and speak to him again. The huge hole that now exists in all our lives.
May his memory be a blessing to us all.
Monday, August 15, 2011
priorities
So I have a friend who is unsurprisingly pregnant. When she told me I did the happy public thing but obviously not what was going on inside. Spent the last couple of weeks going through various stages of hatred, frustration and ultimately resentment and part of me was a bit scared of how I was going to react to her ever growing bump (read as how good can I be about really keeping my feelings hidden and not saying or doing anything that I know I would regret later).
So I had a revelation this week whilst out shopping fro my nieces birthday present. I was in toys r us and whilst my kids were studying the playmobile ("no we're not getting that, we are only getting the birthday present." "So mummy can we get this one because it's smaller") I wondered over and found myself looking at the baby stuff with all it's normal emotional turmoil things suddenly seemed to come in to perspective. I felt I was having these feeling because I was so used to them and wasn't sure if I was actually feeling them or just thinking them. Then came the revelation - I can't keep hating / resenting this friend for being pregnant because my life is worth more than that and quite honestly I don't have the energy that it takes to keep it going for too long. It's not her fault my body isn't working as it should and I know that she has had her issues getting pregnant and I am happy for her.
It comes back remembering the good things and also knowing that you have no idea what anyone else is going through or what they have had to deal with or what they know they may have to deal with in the future..... and I will try to remember this when things are going badly. Promise I will.
So I had a revelation this week whilst out shopping fro my nieces birthday present. I was in toys r us and whilst my kids were studying the playmobile ("no we're not getting that, we are only getting the birthday present." "So mummy can we get this one because it's smaller") I wondered over and found myself looking at the baby stuff with all it's normal emotional turmoil things suddenly seemed to come in to perspective. I felt I was having these feeling because I was so used to them and wasn't sure if I was actually feeling them or just thinking them. Then came the revelation - I can't keep hating / resenting this friend for being pregnant because my life is worth more than that and quite honestly I don't have the energy that it takes to keep it going for too long. It's not her fault my body isn't working as it should and I know that she has had her issues getting pregnant and I am happy for her.
It comes back remembering the good things and also knowing that you have no idea what anyone else is going through or what they have had to deal with or what they know they may have to deal with in the future..... and I will try to remember this when things are going badly. Promise I will.
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