tonight

I've been distracted all day thinking about the siyum. Well not so much the siyum but my husband. He's speaking tonight about his father. I have no idea what he is going to say and this worries me. I do not doubt that he will speak well and appropriately but I think I'm a bit apprehensive. I don't know how he will cope speaking out loud  about his father in a public forum and I don't know how I will respond. What I do know is that I need to give him the support he needs and that means I may have to put aside how I feel and whet I need. I wanted to see the text not to have any real input in to what he says  but so that I know what to expect, so that I am not thrown by something he says, so that I can internalise what is going to be said, deal with it before hand so that if he needs me tonight I won't have to deal with anything new to me.

I'm not sure what will be harder to deal with. my husband breaking down in tears or my husband speaking sitting down and carrying on as normal. I'm sure it will be one of those options tonight and nothing in between. He's not that sort of person.

I will now just have to deal with what I have. I don't like the unpredictability of what is going on. I'm not good at dealing with unplanned things. I like to know what will happen. I like to be prepared. I will probably spend the next few hours thinking up all sorts of things that may happen tonight and probably none of them will but such is my mind. I don't know what will happen so I have to plan and imagine for everything. Sometimes I wish I had less of an imagination.