Mum

Mum died almost three weeks ago.

There, I've finally written it down. Does this make it any more real? When is it going to start to feel real? When does it go from an event that happened in to something that is a part of my life? When do I start feeling sad and not just having the isolated minutes when things are awful and then life goes on?

I don't feel sad, I don't feel lost, I don't feel bereaved. I am sad now because I am writing about it but that will go when I stop. How am I meant to be feeling? Am I doing something wrong? Can someone explain to me how all this works.

I went through the motions. I sat next to her in the hospital and held her too hot hand, I watched her breath, I listened to her breath, I said good bye and promised her I would look after dad, I told her I loved her and I said good bye.

As she lay in the bed it was not my mum, an old woman lay there. It was all that was left of my mum. We were back two hours later and it was over. MY mum had truly gone.

The night turned to day, I had no idea what time it was. I hardly slept and was fresh off the plane. The day carried on, paperwork had to be sorted out, I walked home from the hospital and the funeral was arranged. I stood at the grounds, people hugged me yet I felt I had to find the right words to say to them, to tell them it would be alright and that mum was no longer in pain. I listened to the eulogy that Martin gave so well, finding the words when we couldn't. I followed the coffin but felt no attachment to it, I watched it being lowered in to the ground and threw on my handful of earth but couldn't feel any pain or loss. I watched all the men digging the earth and pilling it on the coffin, I watched Ziggy being so efficient about it and was glad that he was there, I knew things were being done properly. 

I sat through the shiva shaking hands and accepting hugs and kisses until it almost became meaningless.

My mum wasn't there when we had a house full of visitors, she wasn't there when all the cousins came Sunday afternoon but it was like she had just popped out for a bit and would be back later, she wasn't there to disapprove of us eating chocolate and watching west wing late at night.

I can't get my head around this forever thing, no more hugs, no more smiles, no more help, no on e to look after me the way only a mum can.

My private tears

I keep my tears to myself, I let them flow only when is no-one around to see them, no-one to comfort me but no-one that I have to explain anything to because I just don't work that way.
It's been 3 years since that night. Three years since I began to cry in private. Three years since the summer I discovered how far I could drive with tears flowing down my cheeks. Three years with a gap in our lives that can't be filled.
He's missed 3 grandchildren, he's missed seeing us all grow up, he missed holidays and hard times, he's missed the fun and laughs and we've missed him.
He would have been overjoyed at each new birth and desperate to come out and meet them, to share the joy with his friends, his family.

He was sensitive, kind, loving and caring. Things are different now.

I couldn't equate the cold flat stone at the cemetery with the man I knew who was full of life. I remember going back to the house afterwards and seeing so many pictures where he was so full of life and joy, that was my father in law, not the cold hard stone I saw.

So today I cry once again in private, I shed my tears and carry on knowing that something is missing, something we can't replace.

I miss you.

arghhhhhh Stress

6 weeks until I'm due and that is fine.

What is sooooooooo far from fine is my husbands ability to do any of the things that need to be done before this baby is born.

Request 1 "Please can you sort out a skylight for the spare room " Response "ok" That was 7 weeks ago and that is about as far as we have got. Follow up " You are working from home on Thursday, why don't you get some people over to give us a quote" Response "I can't do that, I'm working and I have to leave early to go to the race" Internal fuming, he can take YET ANOTHER race but oh no, can't do something that WE actually need to do.

Request 2 "We need to get a bigger car. When should we go and look for one / sort out the finances?" Response " don't know" "not sure" "we'll do it at some point" Internal fuming, does he realise that I will not be leaving the house to go much further than the park this summer if we do not have a car I can fit all 4 kids in. That I do not want to be shlepping 4 kids by myself on and off buses just after I have given birth. Does he understand what it is to be stuck at home with all the kids who are getting fed up and want to go out? Does he get it that after I give birth I might not have as much energy as normal? Does he get it that I can't do everything by myself all the time?

I love him very much but it is really stressing me out not having these things sorted out and when I keep asking him about it he just gets cross with me for nagging.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Wish he would actually do something about it NOW

Are you alright?

Well the simple answer is no. My mum has cancer and it's going to kill her, not this week or next (I hope) but this is what is going to do her in at the end and I'm scared, I'm not ready for this. To or not watch her going through more and more chemo to suffer and fade is to watch my dad living through it with her.
My dad doesn't laugh or smile, he puts everything on hold, won't commit to anything without a caveat of "but it depends on mum". I could almost deal with my mum and the cancer and all that crap if  I didn't have to deal with my dad too.

And on top of all this Aaron is just being I don't know what. Now I will agree that I may be slightly hormonal but give me a break, I'm 6 months pregnant. So every time I want to sort something out that usually involve spending money he gets all tetchy about it. I ask him if he's spoken to the person in charge of the keren hishtalmut fund and no he never has and then gets cross about it, When I want to discuss plans for decorating or cars or really anything he just isn't interested or says not now or comes out with some other excuse not to discuss it.
I'm still not convinced he wants this kid but the fact is he knew I was off birth control,  I had already got pregnant once in the summer and then miscarried so it's not like me getting pregnant should have been such a shock. I can accept that he is worried about the finances but he is yet to show any actual excitement about this baby. He seems to be ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant and maybe not as able to do everything as I normally can.

I feel alone and unsupported. I can't complain to my mum because she's got enough to deal with, I can't relax with my dad because he's so tense about my mum and I can't talk t my husband because he always tries to put me off or else he's got work to finish or catch up with or sort out or something.

I need someone to tell me  that I don't have to cope with this by myself. I need someone to let me take a break. I need someone to help me.  Ineed someone to let me have some time to be me.

Soooooooo fed up

I've just had a crappy week. trying to pesach clean having 2 kids at home and being 6 months pregnant. It has taken me twice as long to do half as much as normal, I feel so unready and disorganised. Ifeel as if I've had to do it all myself this year because every night my husband comes home with yet more stuff to do for work.
Today, I have had all three kids at home and I'm ready to scream at someone and then I get a message from my husband that he's staying a bit late at work so he won't have to work tonight at home. Let's forget the fact that he went in to work an hour late this morning so he could go running, the fact that he was meant to be home to cut one of my kids hair tonight, that I actually needed him to get something today so I can finish the kitchen. I really needed him home early today. I needed him to leave the work until another day. I don't need him to come home and complain about how little I've got done today which I'm pretty sure he will.

I'm fed up of the running obsession and how it overrides everything else.  How if his running chug gets moved I have to find other times to go shopping and potentially not go swimming. He wants to change to a different chug so I'm going to have to change when I shop to a less convenient day, stop going swimming and generally change things to make it less convenient for me just to make sure that he can still go running when it suits him. He goes out running on  a Friday morning if he hasn't been out policing Thursday night and then spends Friday being tired  from his run after spending Thursday night wait for it....... working so either way he is not fully available either Thursday night or Friday morning.

But I'm the one who has to change has to change when I shop and swim so he can go running.

I asked my MIL if she wanted to come over today to see the kids (and potentially give me a hand with them whilst I did some cooking/cleaning) thinking she might like to actually see her grandchildren having flown out to Israel and only being out here for a couple of weeks but no we are apparently too far away to come and visit so she will wait until she is coming here next week to see them. Yes I feel as if my kids are far less important to her than her other grandchildren. It's a familiar pattern, in the winter she was out for 3 weeks, she spent 4 days with us and only came back afterwards to see us again because I actually asked her to come and see the kids again.
So then I wonder if I have done something wring that she doesn't want to spend time with me and my kids when she comes out here?

I think that's enough complaining for one day. hopefully I'll feel better later and if not............ I'll just suck it up and get on with life.

Here's hoping things get better soon.