and so the world goes on.....

I'm still crying at random points during the day. My voice still shakes when I talk to people about it. The feeling of loss is unlike anything  I have felt before. I feel alone and isolated. I need someone to comfort me but I also know that time moves on.
When I posted on facebook there was a flood of replies all expressing sympathy and support for which I will be eternally grateful. I'm getting phonecalls with offers of help; what can we do? do you need us to take the boys?  do you need anything? how are you? The support is amazing. Our friends are amazing.

but time moves on....
People have their own lives to lead. Part of me can't quite understand how the rest of the world is carrying on, don't they realise someone ?!? How can they just carry on as if things are the same? It's strange but the only other times I have felt this was when my kids were born. How could the world carry on as normal, I've had a baby! There is a new person here, the world has changed but you are all carrying on as normal. Whats wrong with you??? When my first kid was born the country was in the middle of a war but for the 3 days I was in hospital I forgot about it. When I came home  I was almost shocked to hear that it was still going on.

All of which gets me back to where I sort of started. My world is missing something huge right now, how much of it is my father-in-law and how much is my husband I will never know. I'm having trouble understanding how the world is moving on when I'm having great difficulty seeing what is going to happen. I'm still taking the kids out and giving them a summer but my heart is not in it. Next week I'm taking them camping - I have never wanted to go away less in my whole life. The thought of finding the emotional energy to do it is a daunting task. The empty seat in the car next to me is a constant reminder (not that I was going to forget) of where I want to be and who I want to be with right now.

But tomorrow will be easier than today just as today was easier than yesterday and from somewhere the strength will come because even though we don't understand how or why time moves on and takes us with it. We don't want to deal with the problems life gives us. We want to stay safe even if that means staying safe in the most terrible circumstances because as humans we have amazing abilities. To be alive means to move with time, to deal with our constantly changing world, to be there for other people in good times and bad. Worlds change everyday and it is our ongoing battle to deal with that, we grow we change, we develop.
We live.