back to square one

After a long and unexpected break we are back to the topic of my completely and utterly  screwed up body. Because my life has not been crappy enough for the last few weeks my body has decided that it needs to screw up my period and any chance of be actually having something good. I may be bleeding. I don't want to got to the toilet to see if there is any stain on my underwear. Every little twinge I feel in my body I wonder if it is a period starting again only a few short days after my last (also very strange) period finished.

I phoned up Aa and couldn't not cry. I felt like I just couldn't keep going . It was the uncertainty, was it this or that what can I do, what can I not do when should I do it and what the hell am I meant to do about the drugs? I spoke to Aa when he got home and he told me to stop obsessing. He doesn't get it that I can't. That I am surrounded by babies and pregnant women. That every twinge or thing that happens to by body  that is not normal results in wondering am I pregnant, am I going to get my period, have I got my period, what did that mean, how do I feel and a hundred other questions depending on the time of the month.

It's like I'm failing a test every month. My body seems to be set up for failure, just to screw with my mind month after month after bloody month. I'm fed up of "there's always next month" and "we'll try again". I want it to work. I drag myself through it all and I just want it to be easy, I want to be like everyone else who seems to get pregnant whenever they want.

Why don't I work????????

I'm fed up of it being secret. When I phoned up Aa to tell him that I had spoken to someone to ask a question and told him about the infertility, Aa's first response was "why did you tell him that?" It just seemed so confrontational and as if I was spreading this deep dark secret. I told him because it could have a bearing on the answer. Maybe part of me also wants people to know. I don't want to declare it on facebook or tell everyone I meet but maybe our friends should know. It's an illness with as many social symptoms as physical. We don't hide other illnesses so why does this stay hidden . I understand that sex and family planning is between a couple but things can be shared in a way that still keeps the private stuff private but lets people help you.

I wish it was as easy as just deciding not to obsess about it but I ma biologically, hormonally and emotionally designed to reproduce. It's a matter of body awareness and maybe I am hyper aware but that's what months of counting days and looking and counting and taking drugs and more drugs and teats and more drugs does to you.

I wish I could be less emotionally invested in this but it seems wired in to me. I wish I could be detached and calm about it like Aa seems to be but I can't.

I hate my body. I hate it for failing me every month. I want to be normal.