it's getting better

Had a good day today with the boys, my sister and her kids. We all had fun and eventually the kids went to bed. I feel my conversations with my husband are a bit more normal than they have been. Of course I'm still worried about him but as I hear his voice more and talk a bit I am slightly reassured.

But despite this it is only now beginning to dawn on me the enormity of what has happened. It is only now that I am very slightly less concerned about my husband that I can begin to think about my father in law and what some of the implications of his death are for all his family.

Psychologists talk about the 5 stages of grieving. I'm not sure what I've been going through for the past 10 days or so but I seem to be coming to some sort of calmer acceptance, a state in which I can think about what has happened and begin to process it. The death came as such a shock to all of us and whilst he immediate family had, as they should have, the time they needed to assimilate the events I had 2 boys to look after and entertain. It's taken a long time but I defiantly feel better than I did.

I remember once having a discussion with my brother in law about extending the circle of people who can sit shiva following a death. I said at the time that  I was against extending it, friends should not be included nor extended family. I was in favour of leaving things as they are.
I still am.
I did not want to sit shiva for my father in law. I feel it would be insulting to those who were sitting to claim my that my lose was anywhere near theirs. Throughout the past 10 days I have felt that my role should have been one of support. At one step remove from the situation my role should have been to help and yes, also to take some time for my own feelings.
The mourning process is going to impact on our lives for the next year at least. Our lives may not be as we want them and we will all have to make changes. It should be so, life is different now.
In a conversation I had with a friend last week I was discussing what impact his would have on my husband. the friend said "I hope when he gets back he'll be the same person" To which my instant response was, "Of course he won't. His father has just died". It wasn't a planned response or something I had thought about before but in  that moment of clarity it suddenly seemed to hit us what was going on. We suddenly had to deal with a new reality.

We've got a tough year ahead of us but it will get better. ( who knows.....I might even manage to get pregnant!!! - if that's not hoping for too much)