I just don't have the words

Last night I found out that my father in law passed away. It was sudden and unexpected, he had a heart attack in bed and when no-one had heard from him for a few days or managed to get in touch with him some friends went over and broke in where they found his body in bed.
I don't have the words to say how I feel. I don't know if this is still shock or just that I can't equate the thought of celebrating his 60th birthday a few weeks ago with the fact that he has just been buried.
That he's never going to be there to give me a hug when we meet, that his fun and enthusiasm will no longer be a part of our lives, with his passion and commitment to the things and people that he loved, that he would always go the extra mile to help someone in need and not even think about it. That those who were lucky enough to know him and love him got so much back from the relationship with him.

I'm sitting here at home desperately torn about what to do. I need to be with him for him and for me. The thought of him having to go through this alone is tearing me apart. I got a text from my mum awhile ago saying they were on their way to the funeral. It should of been me in the car with him, not my parents. I should be there with him not stuck here away from him, not even able to sit with him. How am I meant to know what to do? am I going to regret not going ? should I just be on the next plane or should I be here with the kids?

Just spoke to a good friend of ours in London, allowed myself to cry when I asked him if I had made the right choice and as he said, there is no right choice.I feel helpless here but don't know if I would feel any more useful there. I'm worried that he will bottle everything up and feel he has to hold it all together for the rest of the family. I'm just worried about him. I can't even begin to imagine the hell he is going through at he moment, saying kaddish for the first time, putting the soil on to his fathers coffin, knowing that he will never be able to just pick up the phone and speak to him again. The huge hole that now exists in all our lives.

May his memory be a blessing to us all.