waiting

It's 3am and I should be asleep. I was really tired earlier but somehow I got in to bed and woke up. My period is due in the next 24hours. My stress levels are astronomical. I Have a pregnancy test upstairs but I don't want to use it. I'm sure I'm not pregnant and if I do the test then it will just confirm it early and I will know 100% that I have a period coming instead of my current 99.99% certainty and paranoia that I am about to start leaking blood.  It's just a waste of money me using it so I don't, I just sit here and get quietly stressed about it and know that tomorrow in addition to the almost certain period I will also be very tired - I will not be so much fun to be around tomorrow.

To early to risk a pregnancy test if my period does not come but well into the high stress time.

It's just not fair. Why does this happen to me? Why can't I just get pregnant like any normal woman. Whats the big idea about making me go through this every month. I seem to be surrounded by pregnant women and little babies. I can die a hundred times a day when I see the pregnant women walking around or I hear of another person expecting. I'm sure their lives aren't as wonderful as they seem from the outside but I'd just like a break for once.. 18 months of failure. 18 months of hoping and praying. 18 months of private tears and dashed hopes. At times I feel so alone that I just want to give up and not have to think about getting prgnant ever again but the part of me that wants more kids always wins out in the end and sets me up fro the monthly emotional roller coaster that is me reproductive life.

I guess now I take a deep breath and plunge in to the next couple of days with that microscopic hope that I'm ranting for nothing and maybe this month has happened. I have to keep that hope alive or I would simply give up. I picture it as a tiny flame taht I will at all costs shelter from the wind and keep burning eve though it gives off no light or heat I have to keep it burning..