Caution

Not that I want to admit this publicly but things seem to be going better at the moment. I'm happier and calmer than I have been for a long time. I am pregnant and that seems to be going well. I'm enjoying work more than I have done in a long time, I look forward to most of my lessons instead of dreading yet another hour with grade x. I've just been given a tax refund from about 7 years ago so I'm not worried about money for our holiday in the UK this year. I'm working longer hours than I have ever worked before but I can see where it is going and there is a reason for killing myself with private lessons everyday.

I feel more relaxed. I feel that after what seemed like an unendurable run of bad luck and things going wrong we might just possibly be seeing the beginning of our luck changing.

I feel good right now

summer holidays

Am now looking forward to our summer trip to the uk a bit less than I was before. We are yet to book tickets but will be doing that later on this week but it would appear that for the vast majority of our trip we will either be with my sister in law and her family (when at my mother in laws) or my sister and her family (whilst at my parents). The upshot of this is I am likely to be spending most of my summer stopping my boys fighting with their all female cousins whilst simultaneously feeling like I am failing as a mother to properly control my boys as they will not sit quietly and do all the girly things that will be abounding all summer.
Through no fault of their own my sister and sister in law end up making me feel that I am doing a rubbish job of bringing up my kids because it always seems to be my boys who start any trouble. I don't think I am doing such a bad job but boys are different to girls and can't be fitted in to the same plan as girls.

So yes, I'm not looking forward to feeling as if I'm doing everything wrong this summer and lets not forget that I should also have a month old baby to look after. M~ay be I'm wrong and we'll all have a great time but right now, I'm not so excited by it.

Police

So, nearly every Thursday my husband volunteers with the local police. I think this is great, I love it that he can be so committed and motivated to do something to help others, that like any other project he gets involved in he gives it his all but I have one HUGE problem with it.
I worry all night until he gets home. I worry that something will happen to him whilst he is on duty but that is nothing compared to how much he scares me by doing the shifts he does. He likes to go out all night with the traffic police, which is a valuable thing to do. Among the things he does he catches drunk drivers which I fully support. The shift he likes to do can end anywhere between 3 and 6 in the morning at which point he drives home and collapses in to bed.

The bit that scares me is the drive home. He claims that he is quite capable of driving and there is nothing wrong with he reflexes and anyway, the roads are pretty empty at that time of day. I don't believe him. About the roads being quite empty I do believe but that he is safe to drive there is no way I can believe that. By the time he comes home he has been up and active for about 24 hours. No one has perfect reflexes when they have been up that long and even if his reflexes are at just slightly below what they should be what about the other guy on the road, the one who Aa needs to swerve out the way so that he won't hit an oncoming truck? And your reflexes and response time only need to be slightly off to have a huge and potentially tragic accident.

So this is my weekly dilemma; on the one hand I think it's great that he chooses to go out and do his bit for society instead of just sitting around talking about it - yes, I'm proud of him. On the other hand,  I go through this weekly worry that something will happen to him, that I might lose him because of this dedication he has, because he won't turn round at2 or 3 in the morning and say "I have to go now, I've been awake too long to function effectively" (or words to that effect).

I will just wait and hope that this week everything will be ok.

frustration

Went back to the doctor today for another scan and he wants me to have ANOTHER scan next week to try and determine the date of the pregnancy. I'm really hoping nothing is wrong and we just have the dates out but it is getting frustrating going back every week.
My previous 2 pregnancies were fine (once I actually got pregnant) with none of this faffing at the beginning. My other concern is having this baby with enough time for us to get over to the UK this summer for the stone setting. I know I shouldn't be concerned about this but there is no way I would want my husband to miss it and having not been around for the funeral or the shiva I also want to be there because I need some sort of closure on the events of the summer. I need to somehow find the time that I never got this year to acknowledge my loss.

I know, we have alot to get through before then and I am so grateful that I am pregnant my real first concern is for a healthy and successful pregnancy but life is not lived in isolation and these things are all part of my thoughts.

B'shah tova this baby will be born and we will fit everything else in around it. This isn't up to me I just have to see how things evolve over time - it's back to that patience thing again!!!