So when he goes and does things it is just assumed that I will carry it all and deal with all the kids and all the stuff they have to do and everything. Most of the time it works. He takes time off work to suit what he is doing and that is the only consideration, " I'll ask /tell my boss I'm leaving early. I'll make up the work later" (which he usually spends every evening doing anyway)
Life at home is unchanged just that he isn't there. "Daddy is working late tonight" Daddy had a meeting" "Daddy will be home very late, yes I promise he'll come up and give you a kiss goodnight when he gets in even if you are asleep. Yes he will be up as soon as he gets in. I promise."
And then I want to do something. So let's find a babysitter who can come when I need them, make sure the girls are in bed before I go out or at least almost in bed with the boys promising to help with the girls, pray that the little one doesn't throw a fit about me going out, get changed if I need to (usually done in about 3 minutes because I'm running late), make sure the boys are sorted and then I can get out.
And pray that everything is ok with the babysitter.
I can't go out because I need to drive carpool to this chug and take that one to a party and pick up and and and and..........
and let's not forget making sure everyone has eaten and has whatever they need for school the next day
and lets not forget that whenever I come home, more often than not the sink is full of washing up and the sandwiches need to be made for the next day.
But the nights that he is out he doesn't come home to that, or if he does it's because I haven't gone to bed yet and am still planning on doing it, not because I'm expecting him to do it.
When he goes out for the evening the only thing to check is that I wasn't planning on being out and if I was then could I please sort out a babysitter.
When he goes out for a day then he wants to go out for "a full day", not have to be back by 3 in the afternoon. Does he know how much I long to go out for "a full day" and not be tied to all the responsibilities I have at home. To have a day that doesn't end at 3pm to then start again as my time with the kids to deal with every incident that comes up, to negotiate everything with everyone and have everything I say questioned.
But it's not an option I have because for me to have a full day means sorting out everyone else for those hours when they are home when I am the one (theoretically) in charge. Or asking him to come home early or take some time off, neither o which will happen because of the sighs and the "can't do it" and the "I've got too much stuff on at work". I believe him that he has work and I know he works hard but it all vanishes when he needs the time to do something.
Such is my life and so it will continue until I do something about it. I have a loving husband who cares about me and his family but just doesn't get it. I get trapped with the guilt, trapped with the responsibilities and trapped making the choices of who is going to lose out on something. He turns to me and says "Well either you do your thing or our child goes to their thing" How is it fair to make me choose? Why is it fair to make me choose?
Where is the balance?
