back to the doctors

Went yesterday and had a scan and it was confirmed that I am pregnant (woho). embryo is a little on the small side and in addition to folic acid I'm taking some other hormone to help support the pregnancy. This would be ok but it is not taken orally but rather up the other end. The administration is ok put it feel horrible as the casing breaks down. Oh well, only another 2 and a bit months if this and anything is better than dealing with more months of infertility.

Oh, also managed (in line with other pregnancy tests) to almost fail this scan. First time round he couldn't see anything because my bladder was to full. Second attempt was fine.

just remembered

Didn't keep it a secret for 12 weeks either time. Told both sets of parents at about 6 weeks for the first one and accidentally told a friend at about 10 weeks with the second.

Quite excited about going to the doctor on Sunday. At the end of the last visit he said to me to come back when I was pregnant, wasn't expecting it to be so soon,  in fact was probably just pregnant last time I saw him. Whilst on the subject of doctors I would just like to say how happy I am we live in Israel. Were I to need IVF or IUI I am entitled to a huge number of virtually free cycles, paying only a token amount for the drugs. The other reason is a comment the doctor made at one of my visits; "Have you been to Kever Rachel?" The idea of a doctor recommending that you go to a certain place to daven to get help with something stuck some sort of cord inside. I'm not a big davener (at least not in the formal sense) but it hit home somehow. Maybe it was his acknowledgment that there was only so much he could do or just a reminder to me not to give up on anything that might help.

So for these things and many many more, I'm glad I live here.

week 1

I found out a week ago that I was pregnant. It feels like for ever and I get to keep it a secret for another 10 weeks or so.
Remind me how I did this the last couple of times?!?!?!!?!

a topic we have left for a while

It hit me again today the enormity of my father in law passing away. I was doing something in the kitchen and out of nowhere it just hit me that we will never get to speak to him again or see him or share things with him. The strangest thing was how it just came out of nowhere today. In the past there has usually been some sort of trigger that reminds me (however indirectly) of him but that didn't happen today. I don't know if it's partly because my oldest has been talking about it a lot recently, asking questions especially about "the special prayer that daddy says to remember grandpa" or if was just one of those things that make up the process of grief.

It sounds strange to say that I miss him but that seems to be the closest I can get to putting in to words how I feel. I feel a space that should be filled, a presence and na influence that is no longer there.

it happens

Finally got confirmation from a HPT that I am pregnant!!!!!!!!! I need to go to the doctor to get final confirmation and I'm doing that next week. But right now I just want to tell everyone and announce it to the world. Yes, I'm happy.

looking forward to a hopefully uneventful and easy pregnancy :)

Gilad Shalit

5 years  4 months ago I was coming towards the end of my first pregnancy. Just over a month before  I gave birth an Israeli soldier was kidnapped in Gaza. A week or so later the second Lebanon was started and then as the summer went on it no-one was sure if we were doing the right thing or not. On the 1st of August time and the world stopped for me when I gave birth. I held my son in my arms and nothing else mattered.

The world out side was not totally gone from the labour room. One of the first thoughts that crossed my mind was that in 18 years time this tiny little thing is going to be inducted in to the army. My baby. My soldier.

In the 5 years that have passed, every time Gilad Shalit has been mentioned in the news my personal marker for how long he has been in captivity is "How old is my son? and then and a month or so". Whilst neither my son nor Gilad Shalit know about each other, in my mind they have been inextricably linked. It all happened in "that" summer.

Things change and move on. My sons birthdays will no longer remind me how long Gilad Shalit has been in captivity. My sons Bar Mitzva will not be just past the 13 year anniversary of Gilad being captured. Gilad Shalit came home today.

But it cost us to bring him home. 1027 terrorists have been freed. People who have killed Israelis, are proud of having killed Israelis and have said they will do it again. I don't know if it was the right thing to do. We have negotiated with terrorists, we have given in to demands, we have shown what we will do to get back just one person, we have given them every incentive to kidnap someone else.

But we bought him home. We have reunited a family and freed a man.

When I first heard of the Gilad deal I was very unsure about it. It sounded like a lot to give up for one person and it just seemed wrong that we should be making such huge concessions. On the other hand as I said to someone at the time, If it was one of my sons I'd say empty every prison in the country to bring him home.

It was a very tough call to make and for the families of those who were killed in the events perpetrated by those who were freed today it must be an unbelievably hard day. I'm glad I didn't have to make the decision and I think that going through with the deal was the right thing to do. I have my doubts, questions and discomfort about parts of it but I'm glad it was done.

It makes me a little more comfortable knowing that if anything happens to my sons that I have a country that will do all it can to help them.

Arghhhhhhhhhh

My period is a week late, I have done a pregnancy test that gave me a very very faint positive result. I don't know if I'm pregnant or not. Well, if I thought infertility was bad this is taking things to a whole new level. How do I manage to neither pass nor fail a pregnancy test?!?
I have to wait, in a couple of days I will try again and see what that holds for me, but until then - ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

worry

I worry about him. I get concerned that anything might trigger something.  I wish I didn't have to worry but with a lack of any other information forthcoming from him I worry. I hope he's coping, I hope he's found a way of dealing with whatever he is going through but until I know that he has I will worry. Until he feels he can trust me and let me in to his private world all I can do is be concerned about him and remember that  I have to give him time.

I worry because I love him and I want to look after him, I want to protect him, I want to be there when he needs me (if he ever will).

Romance

I figured out what it is that  I feel is missing - it's the romance, the excitement, the fun stuff.

I remember when we were going out the relationship was different as it should be and I don't always want to live in that sort of world, I need the stability of what we have but  I feel now that I am just part of the furniture that Aa is used to me being here and he doesn't feel the need to make any special effort to do anything. He recently bought me some really nice underwear and  I loved it. It felt like for the first time in ages he was actually doing something fun for us, maybe it's because of that, that I want more now. The other side of this is I feel that he doesn't need me for much beyond the practical day to day stuff. of running our lives and some sex. He seems to be getting more emotionally closed, more withdrawn. Less emotionally invested in a relationship.

That's just how I feel, I could be misreading him but a lot has happened recently and it is affecting how I respond to things but there is still the feeling that something is missing, a spark that is no longer there and  I don't know how to get it back.

Something missing

This is going to sound strange but I feel something is missing in my relationship with Aa. I love him and I know that he loves me, there is a good physical relationship but I still feel that something is missing. I want to look after him and keep him safe and all that other pathetic slushy stuff.  I think I feel that he doesn't need me for anything emotional. He will continue to function as an isolated unit too scared to expose his feelings and cutting short any development of a relationship.
This sounds crazy, we have been together for over 12 years and married for 9 but most of the time  I don't know what he's feeling. He shuts me out and sometimes it hurts, sometimes it's no big deal and I'm fine with it but there are times when I worry about him and wonder how I can be married to someone so secretive.
I just want him once in a while to let me in, to trust me with what he won't show anyone else, to let us deal with things together, to remember that he is not alone.

But despite all that I still love him and can't imagine my life without him.

My problem

I don't know what if anything Aa wants from me with regard to his dad. I don't know what to do or if I'm doing the right thing. And yes I'm still dealing with the guilt of not being there during the shiva. I feel I deserted him and left him when I should have been there.
I think part of me is still trying to find a way to make up for that.

3 days

Had a good chag/shabbat. We ate, slept, davened and did all the things we are meant to do. The kids had fun and we got a bit of time to relax.

I got thrown at lunch today. We were eating at a friend who is pregnant and when I saw her in shul today I suddenly wasn't sure that I could deal with a whole lunch of seeing her being pregnant. I did and it was fine and we had a really nice lunch but I was surprised that it threw me. This month has been such a screwed up month that I am not expecting to get pregnant but I think it has to be this month or possibly next or we (or at least Aa) won't be able to go back to the UK for his fathers stone setting next summer - just an added worry because I didn't have enough to worry about.

I'm currently basing my hopes of getting pregnant on an IUI procedure that will be the next step in this journey. I feel bad about writing off this month and yes I do still want to try but things have just not been working for so long that I have very little faith in this working now.

On the topic of little faith I managed to bring up the idea of a night away with husband whilst we were eating at some friends. As expected he utterly ridiculed the idea and dismissed it out of hand. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to convince him that I want this. It just doesn't seem to be relevant to him and I don't know how to explain the value of it to me. He says that he gets home and the kids are in bed or nearly in bed and then they are asleep until the morning so we have all evening alone. He doesn't get that it'snot the being alone but also a change a scenery. It was like our original plan for this summer, day trips but also going away somewhere (hence the camping). If we just did day trips and came back home every day then I don't get a break. We would still be coming back to the same house with the same housework, shopping, cooking etc to do.
I would like that change of scenery, the knowledge that no kid is going to wake up in the middle of the night and come in. That someone else would organise breakfast and clear it up. Just a change from everyday life.

I keep dreaming and maybe I'll get it one day.

On a completely different note, a number of people were asking me how Aa is doing especially with it being rosh hashanna. I said I wasn't sure and when I mentioned this to him this evening his comment was, "well what do you think?" implying everything was fine. On the on hand, I'm really happy if it is and he really is absolutely fine but part of me says he shouldn't be fine and there should be something else going on. I guess if there is I'll never get to know about it.
I still feel at times that he is miles away. Maybe I'm wrong and just making all this up but I wish I understood him more.

Lets hope we have a good year