My private tears

I keep my tears to myself, I let them flow only when is no-one around to see them, no-one to comfort me but no-one that I have to explain anything to because I just don't work that way.
It's been 3 years since that night. Three years since I began to cry in private. Three years since the summer I discovered how far I could drive with tears flowing down my cheeks. Three years with a gap in our lives that can't be filled.
He's missed 3 grandchildren, he's missed seeing us all grow up, he missed holidays and hard times, he's missed the fun and laughs and we've missed him.
He would have been overjoyed at each new birth and desperate to come out and meet them, to share the joy with his friends, his family.

He was sensitive, kind, loving and caring. Things are different now.

I couldn't equate the cold flat stone at the cemetery with the man I knew who was full of life. I remember going back to the house afterwards and seeing so many pictures where he was so full of life and joy, that was my father in law, not the cold hard stone I saw.

So today I cry once again in private, I shed my tears and carry on knowing that something is missing, something we can't replace.

I miss you.