Mum

Mum died almost three weeks ago.

There, I've finally written it down. Does this make it any more real? When is it going to start to feel real? When does it go from an event that happened in to something that is a part of my life? When do I start feeling sad and not just having the isolated minutes when things are awful and then life goes on?

I don't feel sad, I don't feel lost, I don't feel bereaved. I am sad now because I am writing about it but that will go when I stop. How am I meant to be feeling? Am I doing something wrong? Can someone explain to me how all this works.

I went through the motions. I sat next to her in the hospital and held her too hot hand, I watched her breath, I listened to her breath, I said good bye and promised her I would look after dad, I told her I loved her and I said good bye.

As she lay in the bed it was not my mum, an old woman lay there. It was all that was left of my mum. We were back two hours later and it was over. MY mum had truly gone.

The night turned to day, I had no idea what time it was. I hardly slept and was fresh off the plane. The day carried on, paperwork had to be sorted out, I walked home from the hospital and the funeral was arranged. I stood at the grounds, people hugged me yet I felt I had to find the right words to say to them, to tell them it would be alright and that mum was no longer in pain. I listened to the eulogy that Martin gave so well, finding the words when we couldn't. I followed the coffin but felt no attachment to it, I watched it being lowered in to the ground and threw on my handful of earth but couldn't feel any pain or loss. I watched all the men digging the earth and pilling it on the coffin, I watched Ziggy being so efficient about it and was glad that he was there, I knew things were being done properly. 

I sat through the shiva shaking hands and accepting hugs and kisses until it almost became meaningless.

My mum wasn't there when we had a house full of visitors, she wasn't there when all the cousins came Sunday afternoon but it was like she had just popped out for a bit and would be back later, she wasn't there to disapprove of us eating chocolate and watching west wing late at night.

I can't get my head around this forever thing, no more hugs, no more smiles, no more help, no on e to look after me the way only a mum can.