First your baby dies, then you bleed, then you feel pain, the you know your baby is no more. You bleed like never before. Then it stops and you think it's all over and for a couple of days your clean. Then you bleed some more.
It's not enough that your baby has died, that every time you go to the toilet you are reminded of the death but your body taunts you. You think you are healed, you think the bleeding must be stopping soon but every time you let yourself think this might be over the bleeding comes back the reminder that death came, the reminder that you are not pregnant, that the life that was in you is gone.
Right now I can't imagine ever not thinking about the baby that wasn't, what would have been happening if the pregnancy had continued, how our plans would be different. I worry that I won't ever manage to get pregnant again that easily or even ever. I now know more than ever that I want another child but still don't know if I can cope with months of treatment and failing. I'm a bit scared and feeling rather lost and helpless. Every day seems like forever but I know it's not I just want the bleeding to stop. I've had hard niddah periods before but this is unbearable. It's not a period that I know will usually last 4 or 5 day then the extra 7 and it's not like after birth when the 5 or 6 weeks seems ok because I have a baby to look after and hormones flying all over the place and about a million other things on my mind. This just feels like an undefined interminably long time with no end in sight.
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