A few weeks ago my mum was diagnosed with cancer, uterine cancer. She had a hysterectomy and today was given the news that all the detectable cancer is gone but just in case there is any left she is going to have 4 rounds of chemo.
It's all been so fast it hasn't really sunk in yet what has happened. I think about it and feel that I should be more worried, concerned, scared or something but I just have this huge blank that I feel should be full of feelings of something. Sure I can fake it when people ask me how I am and I can give them the answers they need to hear but is there something wrong with me that I can't generate any great feelings about this. Am I just in denial about it all because it is happening so far away and I don't see any of the changes that are happening. I don't feel I'm coping with it but then I'm not sure how to cope with it or even what I should be coping with.
Is this going to kill my mum? at the moment it seems unlikely and she's just going to have a really hard time for the next few months. Is there anything I can do? I don't know.
For as long as I don't think to hard about it then everything is going to be ok. I feel I have to be strong for someone but I don't know who or why or if that is just a standard response and my way of dealing with it by not dealing with it. I've read pages and pages online until they all start to say the same things and I'm still not getting any answers, I still feel like I'm not getting the information. Without knowledge I can do nothing. I am helpless. There is nothing I can do, no way I can control this. I am cut off and helpless, I don't like this feeling.
Reality sucks sometimes, I just want everything fixed. I want to fix it and I can't and I hate that. Why does this have to happen to us?
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