Finality

I'm not sure that that is even a word but this is all about the end of things. I was at my father-in -law's stone setting on Sunday.  Ithought it would seem more real afer I had seen where he is buried and actully had achance to say some sort of goodbye but it doesn't.

I still can't seem to get my head around the fact that he is gone. I'm writing this sitting at my mother -in-law's house and everywhere I look there are pictures of him, he just seems so full of life and joyfully alive that I can't quite equate that with a cold hard stone and a dead body. He absence is (obviously) much more noticable here. the way things would be different, the joy he would have in playing with his newest granddaughter. The huge gaping hole of things that are missing.

I thought it would be easier now. A year has passed and things change. I thought the stone setting would, after I had my chance to say goodbye would give me some kind of closure and whilst it may have, right now I'm too close to see it. I wrote in an earlier post that when my husband was away sitting shiva last summer I had no time to morn for my FIL as I was so worried about my husband and what he was going thorugh and me not being there with him adn all that guilt. Maybe that's why this is so hard or maybe it would be like this anyway.