My life is not quite going as planned at the moment however on Friday I changed my perspective on it all, I don't know if it will help but it makes me feel better to know that I can look at it differently. Every week, every month I ask god to grant my deepest wish to get pregnant again, this week was different and I asked for something new; for the strength to cope with whatever the judgement is and for whatever he decides is best and right for me now.
The shift is simply this whilst I still believe that things like this are in the hands of god by no longer asking for the same thing week in and week out I have shifted my focus. If I'm not pregnant then so be it but I just need the strength to get through it and not sink in to the depression that has often accompanied my periods. Let it be a chance for me to enjoy what I have and keep my faith for another month until the time is right for my prayers of pregnancy to be answered.
By asking for strength it means I am no longer trying god each month and testing him to see if he will listen to me. Instead of me against him it is no a collaboration. I know when the time is right, if the time will be right again then it will happen but now I'm asking for help to get to that moment in time. I am trying to remove the element of confrontation, trying to make my relationship calmer and more positive.
Only time will tell what happens in the end but even if the result is not pregnancy I hope it will positively influence my ongoing relationship with god and even spill over in to my relationships with other people. I should try allow people to help me more and not assume everyone is out to get me and that I have to test every relationship. People are better than I think.
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